Season X: Northern Hospitality
by NMI123
Summary: A favorite relative comes to town to stay with the newlyweds. How will Steve and Laura handle the drama she brings to town?


When Laura got home from work, she found Steve on the phone, stirring the pasta he was cooking.

"Of course," he said. "Uh-huh. Uh-huh."

Laura set down her purse and walked up to him. She kissed his cheek and pinched his bicep affectionately.

He turned, smiled, and waved at her, pecking her back on the cheek. "Sure. We have a futon in the office. It's not much, but we're right downtown."

Laura took a spoon from the counter and began to stir the Alfredo sauce he was ignoring and burning. She cocked her head at him and mouthed, "Who's that?"

He held up a finger to her. "Ok, Myrtle," he said. "I'll see you at the airport tomorrow at three."

Laura nodded and turned back to the sauce. She knew quite well that living with Steve meant living with a revolving door of quirky relatives. She loved Myrtle, honestly. She loved all of the Urkels that actually treated Steve decently, because they were few and far between, but she knew that hosting Myrtle wasn't going to be easy. She was used to luxury that Laura and Steve simply couldn't provide. Plus, Laura was unconvinced that she was really done with Eddie for good, so that could still stand to cause problems. Then, of course, there were the standard problems that came with an Urkel, like clumsiness, bizarre tastes, strange laughs, and everything else. One would think she'd be used to those things by now, and she was, but when Steve's Urkelness showed, she found it cute. When other Urkels acted like Urkels, as much as she cared about them, it got on her nerves like Steve used to. Still, _she_ was an Urkel now, and she was going to be there for her new family just like Steve had always been there for the Winslows.

"Buh-bye, Myrtle," Steve said, hanging up the phone and setting it back in its cradle on the wall. He turned back to Laura. "Welcome home, Sugar Knees," he purred, pulling her into his arms. He kissed her more passionately and held her close as their lips pulled apart.

"Thank you, Baby," she said, putting the spoon to his lips and letting him taste the sauce after she had added a little more cream.

"Mmm…" he said, licking his lips obnoxiously. He released her. "Needs more pigs' milk," he announced, reaching for a glass bottle in the fridge.

Laura took it out of his hands immediately and cringed. "Ew," she said flatly. She put the bottle back on the shelf in the door. " _No_. No, it doesn't."

He shrugged and went to the oven to check the chicken. "So you heard Myrtle's coming to town tomorrow?" Steve asked over his shoulder.

Laura moved away from the stove and leaned back against the island. "Yeah," she replied. "Is she just coming to visit?"

"No," Steve answered. "She's actually looking at grad schools already."

"Really?"

"Yup, in true Urkel fashion, she's set to graduate early at the end of the fall semester," Steve said disappointedly.

Laura quickly read the tone in his voice. "Hey," she said, "you'd be, too, if you hadn't taken time off to become the first student in space," she reminded him.

He turned back and half-smiled at her. "Thanks, Sweetums. I needed to hear that."

Laura smiled back and stepped close to him. "Besides, wouldn't you rather graduate with me, anyway?" she asked.

He smiled brighter and wrapped his arms around her waist. "That is a very good point," he admitted, pulling her against him.

"So how long is Myrtle gonna be in town?" she asked as she pulled out of his arms, went to the fridge, and pulled out a bottle of lemonade. She poured a glass and took a big sip.

"A week," Steve answered nonchalantly.

Laura did a spit take. "A WHOLE week?" she demanded.

Steve looked at her nervously. "Eight days, technically. Is that all right?"

Laura took a deep breath and wiped her mouth. "Yeah," she exhaled. "Yeah, of course. Sorry. You just surprised me. She usually just comes up for a couple days at a time."

Steve rubbed the back of his neck. "Are you sure you're ok with her staying here?" he asked. "Because she doesn't have to. She's got enough money for a hotel room."

Laura shook her head. "Yeah, I'm sure," she said. She walked up to him and began to play with his buttons. "I'm sorry. I'm fine with it. Really."

"You don't have to be, Laura. This is your home. You don't have to let every one of my relatives crash here. I know they're a handful."

"Hey, no. No, no, no. This is the first of your relatives to stay with us since we've been out on our own. I'm looking forward to it," she promised, taking his hands in hers.

"You're sure?"

"Yes," she said firmly. "I love Myrtle," Laura said sincerely, "and she's family. Family is always welcome here."

"Thank you, Sweetums," he smiled softly, squeezing her hands.

"You're welcome," she said. "I love that you're so family oriented, Steve."

"You do?"

"I do," she said, leaning in to kiss him. She released his hands and wrapped her arms around his neck. She stepped into him as their lips continued to pull at each other.

He wrapped his arms around her and lowered them into the pockets of her dress pants, squeezing her butt. He grinned widely as he broke their kiss. "Well, if that's my reward for every relative I let crash on the futon, we're just gonna have to open an Urkels-only B and B!" he joked.

Saturday afternoon, Steve hopped in Laura's car to head to the airport while Laura did some last minute cleaning. She was just finishing making up the futon when she heard a knock at the door. She walked out to the living room and checked the peephole, knowing Steve had her house key and would not have needed to knock. It was their neighbor Eric. "Hey, Eric," she smiled as she opened the door.

"Hey, Laura," he said, smiling charmingly. "Got a minute?"

"Sure," she said. "Come on in." She opened the door wide, and he stepped in. She walked over to the couch and sat, motioning for him to join her. "What's up?" she asked.

"You and I…" he began.

Laura cringed. That was never a combination that he should have been thinking about.

"Nothing's ever going to happen between us, right?" he asked.

Laura raised an eyebrow. "I'm married," she reminded him.

"Right, but that's not really an answer. Lots of people are married," he argued.

Laura scoffed. "Nothing is ever, _ever_ going to happen between us," she insisted, folding her arms across her chest.

"Ok," he said. "Didn't think so, but I wanted to check." He ignored Laura's eye roll and got to what was really on his mind. "So, since nothing's gonna happen between us…" He paused there to be sure. "Can I ask you for some advice?"

Laura loosened her body language slightly. "Sure. What about?"

"Women," he said.

"Ooo!" Laura jumped. "Yes! Yes, ask!" she said excitedly, dying to hear a little gossip. She couldn't wait to be reminded how awful the dating scene was.

"So, I went out with this girl a couple times last week, Shania," he began as Laura nodded along. "She's gorgeous and charming. She's kina dumb, but her body more than makes up for it." Laura rolled her eyes again, but he ignored it. "So I really liked her and decided to… court her."

Laura suppressed a giggle. Sometimes, he was so southern.

"So on our third date, I brought her home, just like I did on the first two dates, and we had sex, just like we did our first two dates."

Laura raised an eyebrow at him. If she were single, she was pretty sure she and Eric would not have lasted long in a romantic relationship.

"And afterward, I asked her to be my girlfriend, but she said she wasn't 'looking for something serious'," he sneered, miming air quotes. "So my question is: What is with you city girls? Why are y'all so… skanky?"

Laura's jaw dropped. "Excuse me? Now, I _know_ you want to rephrase that," she scolded.

He frowned. "Well, you know what I mean," he argued. "Down South, women don't… act like that."

"Act like what?" Laura growled.

"Down South, girls play coy and act innocent. I'm not sayin' they never go for a roll in the hay, but when they do, they're lookin' for love."

"And what are southern men lookin' for when their rollin' with them?" Laura scowled.

"Depends on the man," Eric shrugged.

"Oh, Lord," Laura whined, placing a hand on her forehead. "Boy, if I keep rollin' my eyes at you, they're gonna fall right out of my head!"

"What do you mean?"

"The only difference between women here and women where you're from is that women here feel more comfortable being who they are. It's a big city. It's hard for gossip to get around, and we're a little more liberal in general so there's no reason for women to pretend to be anything but what they are," she argued.

"So, what you're saying…" he said, "is that all women are skanky? Y'all are just more open about it?" He chuckled at his piggish joke until the back of Laura's hand collided with his gut.

"NO," Laura barked. "I'm saying that Shania felt comfortable with you, and she was attracted to you, so she did what she wanted to do. Ideally, she would have been upfront about it so your feelings wouldn't have gotten hurt, but with the way you act, she probably didn't think you were interested in a serious relationship. Until this conversation, I certainly didn't think you were."

"Well, I am and I'm not," he admitted.

"And you wonder why women don't know what you want!" Laura joked.

"I just mean, there are some girls that make me wanna settle down," he said, looking her up and down pointedly.

Laura looked away. "Well, if that's the case, then you don't stand a chance."

"Why not?" he asked defensively.

"If you wanna settle down, you should be looking for women who want to settle down. If you wanna play the field, then you should be looking for that, but your mind shouldn't be changing with each woman. You need to figure out what you want before you keep subjecting these poor, unsuspecting women to your mixed signals."

"Huh," he said thoughtfully, "maybe you're right."

"Of course, I am. I'm an old, married lady now," Laura grinned. "I know everything about this stuff."

Eric chuckled. "So, tell me something, Laura," he said with a mischievous smile. "How many men did you sleep with before you married Steve?"

"That's kind of a personal question, don't you think?" she argued, crossing her arms across her chest again.

"Ouch," he winced. "That many?"

Laura hit him with a pillow resting between them. "No," she said pointedly. "Steve was my first, if you must know."

Eric's eyes widened, and his face split in half with a big grin. "You're kidding!" he laughed.

"No, I'm not," she said defensively. "We even waited until we were married."

He continued to laugh, "What?"

"Why is that so hard for you to believe?" she demanded.

His laughter slowed. "Come on, Laura. You know why."

"Because I look really easy?" she sneered in distaste.

"No, it's not you. I'm just surprised that you weren't seeing any guys before Steve who maybe had some better moves," he explained nervously.

"I dated a lot guys before Steve, and all of them had better moves," she chuckled, "but that's not what mattered to me. I wanted to find the right guy."

"And Steve Urkel is the right guy?" Eric questioned disbelievingly.

"Yes," Laura said with certainty.

"You never feel like you may have missed out on something? If you've only been with Steve, how do you know he's doing a good job?" he asked

Laura smiled smugly. "Baby, if she's got enough brain power to compare you to other guys while you're in the middle of it, you're doing something wrong."

When Laura heard the door open an hour or so later, she set her book down and stood to greet Myrtle.

Steve tumbled in first, struggling under Myrtle's luggage. "Honey, we're home," he grunted, dropping the bags in a pile.

Myrtle walked in just after. "Ahh!" she screamed excitedly when she saw Laura. "There's my favorite cousin-in-law!"

Laura smiled brightly and walked over to Myrtle. "Hey, Myrtle!" she said.

As soon as Laura reached her, Myrtle pulled her into a tight, suffocating hug and began to jump up and down. "Ahhhhhhhhhh!" she screamed happily.

Laura struggled to avoid being smothered by her chest, which was unusual. Laura pulled away from her the second she released her. "MYRTLE!" she noticed suddenly. "You look… different."

Myrtle smiled proudly and adjusted her neckline. "Do I?"

Laura's horrified eyes landed on Steve. He only shrugged uncomfortably. "A little," Laura admitted.

"Oh, Honey, relax. We're family now. We can talk about it. I got implants!" she said excitedly, grabbing her new, much larger breasts. "I'm a triple D, now," she purred.

Laura wasn't sure how to react. She couldn't imagine doing something like that to herself, but she also couldn't imagine having as much money as Myrtle, or looking anything like Myrtle. If she felt more comfortable now, then that was all that mattered. "Oh, well… Congratulations?" she offered nervously.

"Thank you!" Myrtle said, hugging her again.

Laura relaxed slightly, knowing she'd given the correct response, and hugged her back.

"Now I've got the biggest bosom of all the Belles in Biloxi," she added proudly as she released her again.

"That's great, Myrtle," Laura said with a forced smile. "Um," she said, hoping to change the subject, "do you want something to drink?"

"A sweet tea?" she proposed, headed toward the couch. "Cousin Steve, be a dear and go grab the rest of my bags won't you?"

Laura looked back at Steve on her way to the fridge. "The rest of them?!" she mouthed.

Steve nodded at her and called, "Sure thing, Myrtle. I'll be right back." He sighed and dragged his tired body out of the apartment.

Laura grabbed a pitcher of lemonade from the fridge and three glasses from the cupboard. "I'm sorry, Myrtle. We don't have any tea. Is lemonade ok?" she asked as she sat by her on the couch and filled the glasses.

"Oh, sure," she said, accepting the glass Laura handed her. "You Yankees never have sweet tea. I should've known better," she giggled. "So," she began, slapping Laura hard on the knee and making her jump, "how are the newlyweds?"

Laura smiled giddily. "Wonderful," she replied. "Thank you for asking."

Myrtle giggled. "My, oh, my. I never thought Cousin Steve would win you over. Yet, here I am, sitting in the beautiful apartment of Mr. and Mrs. Steve Urkel. The world is a crazy place."

Laura's smile softened. "I sure didn't see it coming."

Myrtle looked at her seriously for a moment. "You really love him, don't you?"

"I do," Laura confirmed.

"Steve's a very, _very_ lucky man," Myrtle said with a shake of her head.

Laura, Myrtle, and Steve spent the afternoon catching up. Then they all got dressed up and headed out to one of the most popular restaurants in Chicago. Thankfully, Myrtle offered to pay, and they happily let her, knowing a restaurant like that could wipe out their savings. They talked about almost everything. They chatted about Myrtle's schooling and the grad schools she was considering. They talked about Laura and Steve's jobs and their senior years starting in the fall. They talked about Big Daddy and all the other Urkels. They talked about Carl, Harriette, and all the Winslows, except for one. Laura and Steve both noticed that Myrtle was avoiding bringing up Eddie, and they certainly weren't going to bring him up first. In fact, it wasn't until they were home again and seated at the kitchen table over hot cocoa that she finally broke and asked.

"And how's Edward doing?" she asked dryly. "Did he marry that little trollop, yet?"

Laura glanced nervously at Steve. "Actually, Myrtle," she began, still looking at Steve. She turned her attention back toward Myrtle. "They broke up," she finished.

Myrtle's hand started to shake, spilling hot cocoa everywhere. Steve reached forward and took the mug from her hands just before it slipped. He set it safely on the table and went to get something to wipe up the mess.

"Wha-what?" Myrtle asked.

"Eddie and Greta broke up," Laura repeated.

Myrtle stood abruptly and pulled a fan out of her impressive cleavage. Laura furrowed her brow in surprise as she saw her unfurl it and begin to fan herself. "Myrtle, are you ok?" she asked eventually.

"My Edward's been all by his lonesome, and nobody told me?" she whined dramatically. "Oh, my poor, poor baby!" she cried. "Laura, how could you do this to me? When did they break up? Did she hurt my sensitive, city boy?"

"Greta broke up with him at the wedding," she answered.

"AT THE WEDDING? At _your_ wedding?!"

"Yes," Laura nodded. "Greta said she didn't want to be with a cop."

"I was there! Why didn't anybody tell me?" she whined, collapsing back into her chair as Steve came in with a damp towel to wipe up the mess.

"He didn't tell us until we got back from our honeymoon, Myrtle," Steve explained. "He didn't tell _anyone_ until we got back."

"Except for Max," Laura cringed.

Myrtle missed the significance of that fact. "But you two should have called me as soon as you knew!" she said. "He needed me there to nurse his broken heart. Oo and I have such a sexy nurse's outfit," she purred.

Laura tried to get that image out of her head by shaking it gently. "Myrtle," she said, "I thought you said you were done chasing Eddie. You barely gave him a second glance at the wedding."

"I _am_ done chasing him," she said firmly. "Southern Belles do not chase after men like common harlots," she explained, "but if Edward should so happen to fall in love with me while he's on the rebound, I could still be courted."

Laura and Steve exchanged a nervous glance. Somehow, that didn't seem likely to happen.

"That settles it," she said, putting her fan right back into her cleavage.

Laura stared intently as it suddenly became completely invisible. She wondered what else she might be hiding in there and cocked her head at Myrtle's new bust.

"I'll just go see Edward tomorrow and let him cry all his tears into my comforting bosom," she said, squeezing and adjusting her new breasts.

"Myrtle, no," Laura said. "You can do that, Baby."

"Why the hell not?!" she demanded.

"He's already seeing someone else," she explained. "They hooked up at the wedding. He was only single for a couple of hours max…" Laura cringed at the hidden pun in her phrasing. "-imum," she added quickly.

"He's already seeing someone else?" she whined. "He found someone else at the wedding? I was at the wedding, Laura! Why didn't he rebound with me?!" She paused for a moment in thought. "It was 'cuz of that gown you picked out for us, wasn't it? That thing was so ugly, we never stood a chance."

Laura scoffed. "Hey! Being that he took a bridesmaid home that night, I'm gonna go ahead and say it wasn't the gown!" she retorted.

Myrtle's jaw dropped. "He took a bridesmaid home?" she repeated. "But that means… He's seeing Maxine?!"

"Yes," Laura sighed finally, slightly more comfortable now that it was out there.

"Maxine Johnson?"

"Yeah."

"My very best friend in the whole, wide world? That Maxine?" she asked.

Laura raised an eyebrow. "Um. Well, I don't know. You mean my maid of honor?"

"Yes! Of course!"

"Then, yeah. That's the one."

Myrtle stood and jumped up and down in frustration. "My, oh, my! Oh, my! How could Maxine betray me like this?!" she yelled. "After everything we've been through!"

Laura looked at Steve in confusion, but he didn't seem to understand it either, and he just shrugged. "Myrtle," Laura said loudly in order to be heard over the sound of her big feet hitting the ground again and again, "how is Max your best friend?"

Myrtle paused her tantrum to look at her. "Oh, relax, you jealous Janet," she said with a wave of her hand. "You and I are closer, obviously, but you're family now. You've just gotten a promotion," she said excitedly, booping Laura on the nose.

Laura tried to contain an eye roll. "Have you and Max even ever been alone together?"

She paused and thought for a moment. "No, we haven't," she admitted. "So what?"

"How can she be your best friend then?"

"I don't have a lot of female friends, Laura. Don't take this from me," she snapped sternly.

Laura went to reply, but Steve squeezed her shoulders from behind her. "Laura," he whispered in her ear, "remember how many years I went around telling everyone that Eddie was my best friend? It's tough out there for an Urkel. Just drop it."

Laura nodded and looked up at Myrtle compassionately. "Myrtle, Sweetheart, I'm sure Max didn't mean to hurt you, but like I said, we all thought you were done with Eddie."

Myrtle looked away dramatically. "I need to be alone with my thoughts," she sniffled. "Goodnight."

"Myrtle, Honey," Laura called, but Myrtle ignored her and walked back to the office, closing the door gently behind her. Laura looked up at Steve and sighed. "Well, that went well,' she grumbled sarcastically. She stood and began to gather the mugs from the table as Steve wiped it down again.

"It could have been worse," he shrugged.

"How?" Laura asked, dumping the mugs out and rinsing them in the sink.

Steve returned to the kitchen and squeezed out the rag. As he tossed it back under the sink, he thought for a moment about what he might've done at his worst and in Myrtle's shoes. "She could have stormed right over there," he mused. "Picked the lock, slipped inside, put on some lingerie, knocked Max out, climbed into bed with him, and…" He trailed off as he noticed Laura glaring at him.

"That's like three separate crimes," she said.

He shrugged. "Hey, I've been there. It's a bad place."

"You never would have done anything like that," she said.

"Well, no," he agreed. "I've picked a lock or two in my day, but I'm not very violent and far too shy to put on lingerie for you," he joked, as she hit him playfully. "But I've thought about that kind of stuff before. You know, 'Wouldn't it be easier if he were just out of the picture?' or 'Well, maybe if I just kiss her right now, she'll fall for me…'"

Laura turned away uncomfortably. "I'm glad you never tried anything like that."

"Laura Lee, I'm not crazy," he said, coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist. "I'd never do anything that might hurt you," he promised, "but you don't know what it's like to be that desperate."

"Being desperate doesn't make that right," she said firmly.

He turned her around by her hips and held her close. "Hey, I know that," he said. "I just thought back to what I felt like when I was younger and my moral compass wasn't as well formed… I think I mellowed as I aged, and so has Myrtle. I'm just saying, it could've been worse."

Laura placed her arms around his neck. "You did mellow," Laura agreed, "and Myrtle is… working on it. I just don't want you to think that because chasing after me relentlessly for all those years eventually worked for you, that it'll work for everyone. It won't, Steve."

"I know that, Laura," he replied. "I know how lucky I got."

"It wasn't luck, Steve. You… Well, it wasn't just luck. You're more than _worthy_ of me," she said firmly.

"No, I'm not," he said with a shake of his head.

"Yes, you are," she promised.

Steve pulled away from her bashfully and put the mugs in the dishwasher. "Anyway, I think you could stand to be a little more compassionate."

Laura sighed and nodded. "I'm sorry. I really do feel bad for her, but you're right. Except for one Christmas hallucination, I don't understand what that feels like."

He started the dishwasher and turned back to her. "I'm so glad you don't, my love."

"I'm sorry that you _do_ ," she said softly, stepping closer to him.

He smiled and grabbed her hand. "Completely worth it," he said, leading her back to the bedroom. He turned off the lights in the hallway and pulled her into their room. He pulled her close to his body as he turned on and dimmed the lights in there. He leaned in and kissed her, cupping her face in his hand and stroking her velvety cheeks. When he broke the kiss, she stepped away from him.

"Hold on, Baby. Let me wash my face first. I'm covered in make-up," she began, walking back toward the bathroom.

"Fine," he sighed. He slipped off his suit jacket and undid his tie as she stepped away. He stripped down to his boxers and tossed his clothes in the hamper. He strutted into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He caught Laura staring at him as she took off her makeup. "What?" he asked distortedly, with his toothbrush in his mouth and toothpaste all over his face.

She tossed her cotton wipe in the trash as she turned on the warm water. She turned to him as it warmed up. "And you said you were too shy to wear lingerie for me," she said, stepping close to him. She tugged at the band of his boxers and peeked inside. "At least some parts of you are confident," she purred, reaching into his shorts and gripping his hard member.

He coughed and turned quickly to the sink, removing Laura's hand from his boxers, as he tried to spit his toothpaste out before it killed him. He rinsed his brush and washed off his mouth, splashing water everywhere. "Hoo…" he called, standing up straight again. "You can't do that while I'm brushing my teeth, Pet. I nearly died!"

She giggled and turned back to the sink. She put a scarf on to keep the hair off of her face as she began to lather her skin with her face wash. "Well, now you know how I feel when you surprise me when I have something in my mouth," she teased.

His face flushed, and he looked away. "I'll meet you in bed," he said softly as he stepped out of the bathroom.

Laura finished her nightly routine and freed her hair again. She walked out to the bedroom and slipped off her heels, putting them back on the rack in the closet. "Steve, Honey, could you unzip me?" she asked, walking back to the bed, turning around, and presenting her back to him.

He sat up straighter and reached out to her zipper. He paused as an idea came to mind. "On one condition," he said firmly.

"What's that?" she asked, looking back at him over her shoulder.

"That you put on something sexy for me," he purred.

She turned back around to face him. "You don't think this dress is sexy enough?" she accused playfully.

"It is," he agreed, "but I wanna see you all dressed up in something that's for my eyes only." He wiggled his eyebrows at her.

"Which one?" she asked, giving in.

He bit his lip as he thought through her rather large collection of lingerie. Since she was the first of her friends to get married, her friends had gone a little crazy shopping for her bachelorette party. Plus, she had a tendency to pick up a new unmentionable whenever she went to the mall. Steve certainly didn't mind, but it was a pricey habit. "The black one with the pink bow," he said eventually.

She smiled at him and turned around again. "Yes, Sir," she purred as he unzipped her.

He watched intently as her bare back was exposed to him. Then he watched her closely as she walked away from him to the dresser and pulled out his prize.

"I'll be right back," she called, slipping into the walk-in. She took off her dress and tossed it into the hamper. She took off her bra and panties, too, being that they were red and completely clashed. Then she slipped on the scandalous baby doll nightie. It was loose and flowing, but tight and low-cut at the bust. The silk was thin, but covered her completely, except on her breasts, which were covered only by see-through lace. Her breasts nearly popped out of it and seemed to be held in only by the light pink bow in her cleavage. She checked herself in the mirror and turned off the light, stepping out slowly and closing the door again. "Hi, Steve," she purred.

He looked her up and down in the dim lights. "Hi, Sweetums," he croaked in response. He had probably seen her in this nightie a dozen times by now – it was one of his favorites – but it still took his breath away every time. Well, really, she took his breath away every time. She slinked over to him and stood before him. Suddenly, he grabbed her by the hips and lifted her into bed. He rolled on top of her and kissed her passionately as she giggled and moaned. Soon, his hands slipped up to her breasts and began to massage them.

She broke their kiss almost immediately. "Wait," she ordered.

"What's wrong?" he asked, releasing her breasts.

"Nothing. I just…" she whispered as she sat up. "Myrtle got a boob job," she giggled as quietly as possible.

Steve cringed. "Laura, I don't wanna talk about my cousin like that, especially when you and I are…"

"I'm sorry," she snickered. "I just can't stop thinking about them. They're huge!" She smiled mischievously at his unamused face. "So what do you think, Steve?" she purred. "Do I need implants?" she asked, leaning forward slightly to better display her cleavage.

"I don't wanna talk about this, Pet," he said, looking away from her.

She raised an eyebrow. "Well, at first, I was kidding, but now that you've refused to answer me, I think that we need to talk about it!"

He looked back at her. How could a woman this hot be this self-conscious? "No, Sweetums, you don't need implants," he said firmly.

"Well, maybe I don't need them," she pouted, "but do you wish I had them?"

"No, Pet, don't even think about it. You're perfect just the way you are," he promised, laying her back down and climbing back on top.

She reached up and stroked his face. "They're not very big," she admitted softly. "Don't you wish they were bigger?"

"Sweetheart," he whined, "we've talked about this. I wouldn't change a thing about you. This perfect body was made by God, and he did a _darn_ good job." He ran his hand up to her left breast and massaged it. "If _you_ want them to be bigger, there's a natural way we could do that."

"How?" she asked, confused and surprised by his comment.

"We could make a baby," he reminded her, staring intently at her breasts.

She rolled her eyes. "Not yet, Steve."

"Well, then tuck those insecurities away because you can be sure I'm not gonna let some nut with a scalpel anywhere near your naked body," he promised, beginning to massage the other one, too.

Laura smiled as he began to touch both her breasts again. "Just checking," she purred.

He leaned down so their noses were touching. "You're the most gorgeous creature on this planet," he whispered, "and you are all natural." He kissed her softly. "You have such soft, full lips," he purred. He began to kiss down to her neck, sucking on it gently. "Such velvety, chocolaty skin." He kissed down between her breasts and motorboated her as she giggled, stroking the back of his head. "Bouncy breasts," he murmured against them. "Firm, perky, big breasts," he breathed, squeezing them more forcefully for effect. He kissed down her body, over the silky fabric, and found himself between her legs. He suddenly slipped his head under her nightie and forced her thighs apart.

Several wonderful minutes later, quite suddenly, Myrtle burst into the room, sobbing loudly and cartoonishly. "Booohoooo! Boohoohoohoo!" She paid no attention to Laura and Steve's compromising position and hopped into their bed beside them. Steve pulled his face out of Laura's most intimate spot and wiped her juices from his mouth. He slipped under the covers, pulling Laura with him to cover her as her brain was ripped from pleasure, back into reality.

As Laura began to understand what was happening, she sat up, sliding closer to Steve and further from Myrtle, and pulled the sheet up higher to cover her revealing nightie. She was glad they hadn't been further along when this happened. They were both still at least partially clothed. "MYRTLE!" Laura yelled. "WHAT THE HELL?"

Myrtle turned toward them and blew her nose dramatically into her hot pink hanky, which perfectly matched her ridiculous nightgown. "I'm so sorry I interrupted you're lovemaking, Laura, but I just couldn't listen to it anymore."

"You could hear us?" she cringed.

"Oh, of course, I could, Honey. You're a screamer."

Laura blushed and adjusted the sheet again. She glanced back at Steve. He looked away, confirming Myrtle's critique. "Well, um. I'm sorry," Laura said. "We didn't realize we were that loud. We'll try to keep it down."

"Oh, now, that just won't do!" Myrtle whined, plopping down to lie back on Laura's pillow, making herself comfortable.

Laura furrowed her brow at the intrusion. "Well, why'd you barge in here then if you didn't just want us to be quieter?"

"Oh, Laura, I don't care if you're moaning like a banshee all night, even if you are louder than the bulls in Biloxi during mating season," she mused. Laura cringed and felt her face flush more deeply. Steve wrapped an arm around her comfortingly below the sheet. Myrtle continued, "I'm just upset because I'm all by my lonesome. This bodacious bod of mine is rotting away untouched!"

Steve recoiled and climbed out of the bed. He moved quickly to his robe on the back of the door and wrapped it around his body. "This seems like a girls-only conversation," he said nervously.

"Steve!" Laura scolded, not wanting to be left alone to deal with this situation, nor wanting to deal with it all, to be honest.

"I'll just slip out for a late-night cheese snack!" he announced. "Call me when you're done!" Without another word, he was out the door.

Laura took a deep breath and sighed. She lay back down on Steve's pillow and put her hands over her face. "I don't understand, Myrtle. I thought you were saving yourself for marriage," she said, uncovering her face and rolling over to look at her. "Then there's the Urkel three months, right? Why is this just now bothering you?"

"Oh, Laura, be serious. My virginity's been bothering me like an itch I can't scratch since the day I met your manly, virile brother," she cooed. "I remember it like it was yesterday," she said rolling over to face Laura as well. "He was so big then, or I was so tiny. I just wanted him to pick me up in those enormous, strong arms and ravish me all night long."

Laura cringed. "You were like thirteen when we met!" Laura whined.

"Honey, I know! That's my whole point! I've been waiting a _long_ time," Myrtle groaned.

"Well, Myrtle, you don't have to wait. Steve and I waited until marriage, but that three-month rule the Urkels have is crazy!" Laura cried.

"Ooo! You wicked, little seductress! I knew you'd lead my cousin astray!" Myrtle giggled.

"I didn't lead him astray," Laura laughed, hitting her with her pillow before placing it under her head again. "He didn't wanna wait any longer either. Honestly, _I_ barely made it to our wedding night. If Steve had given me the slightest indication that he was ready, I would've jumped him."

Myrtle began to sob again. "Boohooooooooooohoohoohoo!" she wailed. "That's exactly my point, Laura! You love Steve, and he loves you! You even find him attractive! I'm not a virgin by choice anymore. I'm a virgin because nobody wants me! Certainly not Edward!"

"Myrtle, Sweetie," Laura said, patting her shoulder comfortingly, "there are other guys out there! I'm sure there's someone out there for you." Laura was surprised to find that she meant that sincerely. She was pretty sure that person wasn't her brother, but Laura had found herself believing in love in a whole new way since marrying Steve. If she and Steve were soul mates, and she was really beginning to believe that that may be the case, then there had to be someone out there for Myrtle. The question was how to find him.

"Oh, no, there's not, Laura!" she sobbed. "I know I put up a confident front, but I know I don't look like you! I know I'm not… _conventionally_ attractive. Why do you think I got these bazookas glued to my chest?!" she demanded, honking her breasts and blowing her nose again. "Boooohoooooooohoohoohoo…"

"Myrtle, you didn't need to do that to yourself to interest men," she said.

"Well, money never seemed to be enough!" she scoffed.

Laura frowned at her. She had never seen this side of Myrtle before. That confident front she had finally admitted to was powerful. Laura had assumed for all these years that she was simply delusional. That was one difference between her and Steve. Steve never pretended to be something he wasn't. He knew he was a geek, and he went after Laura in spite of that. Myrtle always acted as if she were the hottest woman in the room and seemed legitimately shocked that Eddie wouldn't be interested. Even when Laura gave her that makeover, she never let her insecurities show. Now, she couldn't seem to hide them anymore. "Myrtle, you don't want the kind of man who's going to want you for your money or your… bazookas. You want a man who's going to love you for you!" she pressed.

"Well, where am I supposed to find a man like that, Laura? We weren't all blessed with a neighbor who worshipped us since the day we met."

Laura nodded. She had a point. While many people might not consider Laura that lucky for having Steve in her life, the people who really knew them understood that he was one of very few guys to ever care about her for who she was inside. Still, Laura had dated around a lot. She knew how to play the game. "You just gotta go on a few dates, Myrtle. You're gonna have to sample a ton of cakes before you find the right one for your wedding," she reasoned.

Myrtle smirked at the metaphor. "Hooooo… That's scandalous," she said with a giggle and a snort. Then the situation hit her again. "But, Laura, I've never even been on a date that Big Daddy didn't pay for, except for the debutante ball that Eddie took me to after I got hit by a car for him! It's pretty hard to sample cake when it runs away screamin'!"

Laura frowned, "Big Daddy paid for your dates?"

"Yes," Myrtle frowned. "A couple of times he bribed boys to ask me out. No one has ever honestly wanted to take me out."

"I'm sure that's not true, Myrtle! The guys who were really interested were probably just too shy to ask!" Laura argued.

"Well, even if you're right about that, Laura, and I'm not convinced you are, what do I do about it now? It doesn't matter if they're really interested if I can't find them!"

Laura nodded. That was true. "Well, Myrtle, you've gotta make yourself available. Go out to clubs on the weekends, talk to guys in your classes, get friends to set you up, try online dating, and… um…"

"Oh, Laura, I've tried all of that!" Myrtle whined. "Well, except I don't have a lot of female friends, so I've never been set up." Suddenly her eyes widened. "Wait a minute! _You_ could set me up while I'm in town!"

Laura's mouth opened. "Oh, well, um…" While she would have loved to see Myrtle find someone, she didn't know a single guy who'd be willing to go out with her. "Myrtle, I'm married now. I don't know that many available guys."

"Oh, c'mon, Laura. There must be some guy who dumped you that might be willing to trade up."

Laura bit her cheek and glared at her.

"Sorry," Myrtle apologized in embarrassment. "I'm not used to being emotionally vulnerable for this long."

Laura nodded. "Mm-hm… Look, Myrtle, I'd love to help, but I honestly don't hang out with single guys anymore… or any guys, for that matter. Steve's too jealous. I don't know who I could possibly set you up with."

"Oh, Laura, just think about it!" Myrtle begged. "Please, you must know somebody."

Laura took a deep breath and sighed. "I'll think about it," she agreed.

Myrtle jumped forward and pulled her into a strong, suffocating hug. "Oh, thank you, Laura! You're the best cousin a gal could ask for!"

"Myrtle, I'm half naked," she complained, pulling out of her arms and adjusting her dangerously shifting-nightie.

Myrtle stood suddenly from the bed and began to skip back to the office. "Thank you so much, Laura! I can't wait to meet the Yankee prince you find for me!" She slipped back into the office and called loudly, "Cousin Steve! Your wife's all alone in that big, ol' bed!"

Laura rolled her eyes and slid back over to her side of the bed. She looked down at the pillow and was shocked to see how much makeup Myrtle's tears had left behind. There was an imprint of her entire face. More laundry was added to Laura's list of chores for Sunday, she supposed. She looked up as Steve slipped back into the room.

"Hey there, Bunny Ears," he cooed.

"Why, hello, Deserter…" she growled, folding her arms across her chest.

He nodded. He deserved that. "I'm sorry, Pet," he said, climbing back into bed. "You know I'm not good at talking about that kind of stuff. Talking about it in relation to my cousin somehow made it worse."

"I didn't wanna talk to Myrtle about sex either, Steve," she frowned.

"Thank you for doing it anyway," he whispered, kissing her forehead.

"You owe me," she grumbled, flipping her sullied pillow over and lying back again.

He nodded and lay beside her. "I do," he agreed. "So how did you two leave it?" he asked.

"Oh, so, now you're curious?" she accused.

"I just want to make sure everything's all right, Pet," he said nonchalantly.

"Well, it's not," she whined. "She wants me to set her up, Steve, and I don't really know that many single guys anymore. Plus, trying to find a guy who would be interested…" Laura trailed off, not wanting to say something she couldn't take back.

Steve nodded knowingly. "I'll help you," he promised.

"Thank you," she said, cuddling against him.

"I'm sure we can find someone."

Laura took a deep breath and sighed, "I hope so."

Sensing their conversation had come to an end, Steve reached down her body and gripped her breast again, as casually as possible. She looked back up at him accusingly. "We'll be really quiet," he offered. She rolled her eyes and lifted herself higher to kiss him passionately.

The next morning, Steve made Laura breakfast in bed, like he now had a habit of doing every Sunday, but Laura insisted on eating in the kitchen with Myrtle. Over breakfast, Myrtle chatted on and on about the kinds of guys she was interested, so Laura wouldn't pick a dud, and Laura chewed nervously on her cheek. She didn't want to hurt Myrtle's feelings, but she didn't know how to tell her nicely that she was aiming way, way, way out of her league, so she just let her ramble. Thankfully, Steve had planned a full day for them so they spent the afternoon out on the town. However, when four o'clock rolled around, he looked nervously at Laura and showed her his watch.

Laura nodded. They had someplace to be. They were shopping downtown when Steve noticed the time. Laura turned to Myrtle, who was holding two dresses in front of her, both of them hideous, trying to find one for the date that Laura was convinced she would never pull off. Laura cleared her throat to interrupt. " _Ahem_. Um. Myrtle?"

"Oh, Laura, what do you think? The hot pink pleather or the bright orange lace?"

"Um, they're both nice," Laura lied, "but Steve and I have to get going."

"Going? Going where? Aren't we gonna do dinner?"

"Well, every Sunday, Steve and I go over to my parents' house for dinner, and–"

"Oh, your parents! Well, Honey, why didn't you just say so? I'm just dying to see Carl and Harriette! Let's get a move on!" she announced as she tucked both dresses under her arm and approached the counter. "I'll just buy both," she explained as she handed them to the cashier.

"Myrtle, you are more than welcome to come, but um… Eddie's gonna be there and probably Max, so if you'd rather, you can just head back to our place," Laura offered.

Myrtle's face grew serious as she handed the clerk her card. "Now, why would I do that?" she asked in an eerily soft and calm voice.

"Isn't it going to be hard for you," Laura asked, "to see them together?"

"Not in the least. Edward's moved on. I've moved on. No sense in turning it into some big thing," she said as she signed her receipt. "Do we have time to run back and change?" she asked.

Laura looked nervously at Steve. "Sure," she said eventually. "I guess."

They drove back to the apartment and Myrtle excused herself to her room. Laura turned to Steve as soon as she stepped away. "Is she gonna be ok?" she asked.

"I don't know," Steve shrugged.

"Is she gonna make a scene?" she asked.

"Probably, but it won't necessarily be because of Eddie. It could be because of him, but maybe not. Urkels just make a lot of scenes," he explained.

Laura took a deep breath and sighed. "Did you think of anybody we could set her up with, yet?"

"No," he admitted. "Did you?"

"No, and she's getting so excited," Laura whined, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him close. "What are we gonna do?"

"You'll think of something, my little matchmaker. I know you will," he said, kissing the top of her head and rubbing her back comfortingly.

"I'M READY!" Myrtle called from the office as she walked out. Laura and Steve turned and gasped when they saw her. She was wearing a gorgeous black cocktail dress. It was tight and framed curves they hadn't even realized she had. It was short, but classy, showing off the legs Laura had once complimented. Of course, it was also rather low-cut and put her new bosom right on display.

"Wow, Myrtle, that dress is… amazing," Laura breathed in shock.

"Oh, you like it?" she asked excitedly, bouncing up and down.

Laura glanced away from the rather revealing sight of her hopping like a Playboy bunny. "Um. Yeah. You and I don't really have the same fashion sense, but that dress is actually really cute."

"Don't you think you're a little overdressed, though?" Steve asked, trying not to look at her at all because the dress revealed so much of his cousin.

"Oh, hush, Cousin Steve. I look fabulous. Now, come on and shake the molasses out of your drawers, or we'll be late for dinner," she said as she led the way out the door. Laura shrugged at Steve, and they followed closely behind her.

Laura, Steve, and Myrtle were the first to arrive. Laura led the way through the front door and into the living room. "Hi, Daddy," she said, walking over to kiss him as she noticed him seated on the couch.

He glanced up from his paper and kissed her back. "Hey, Sweetheart." He smiled at Steve. "Hi, Son." Then he did a double take as he noticed Myrtle. He glanced back at his paper and back at her. He rubbed his eyes, trying to make the delusion go away. Myrtle adjusted her dress, further emphasizing the change in her figure. Carl stood and stared at her wide-eyed. "M-M-Myrtle?" he asked cautiously.

"Howdy, Carl!" she said with a smug grin, stepping in front of Steve and Laura to be first in Carl's eye-line.

"Y-y-y-you look… different?"

"Oh, do I?" she asked coyly.

"A little," he said through his teeth, nodding repeatedly.

"Well, what do you think, Papa Bear?" she purred, rolling her tongue at him.

"W-w-w-w-well, I-I-I-I–"

Suddenly, 3J walked in. "Hey, guys," he said, walking into the room and plopping down on the couch. He glanced up at Myrtle. "Whoa, Myrtle," he gasped. "When did you get those huge boobs?"

Carl, Steve, and Laura's jaws dropped. "3J!" they all snapped.

Myrtle smiled and sat by him. She pinched his cheek and pulled a candy out of her purse for him. "Out of the mouths of babes," she smiled, handing him a chocolate.

Carl knew he was supposed to say something fatherly and scold 3J for a comment so blunt, but he simply didn't know what to say if Myrtle wasn't offended. He was still too distracted by the change in her appearance. He sat on the other side of 3J on the couch. "So, Myrtle," he began, desperate to change the subject, "what are you doin' in town?"

"I'm lookin' at grad schools," she said.

"That's nice," Carl said. "Congratulations." He couldn't stop smiling uncomfortably, nor could he stop glancing down at her cleavage.

Harriette walked into the living room. "Carl, could you make a quick run to the store?"

"Yup!" he said, standing immediately and jogging toward the door.

"WAIT!" Harriette yelled as he opened the door. "You don't know what we need," she said, shaking her head in bewilderment.

"Oh, right," he said, pausing.

"We're out of cream for the sauce, and I didn't have time to make a dessert."

"Got it," he said, slipping out and slamming the door behind him.

Harriette stared after him for a minute. Then she looked at Laura and Steve, who both stood to greet her. "Hi, Baby," she said, hugging and kissing Laura.

"Hey, Ma," she said.

She opened her arms for Steve who happily hopped right into them. "Hi, Steve," she said with a soft smile, kissing his cheek.

"Hi, Mama," he cooed, squeezing her tightly.

When Harriette eventually pulled out of his arms, she turned to Myrtle. Myrtle stood and opened her arms, running to Harriette. Harriette was shocked as her cheek was pulled down into Myrtle's newly ample bosom.

"Howdy, Harriette!" Myrtle called excitedly.

Harriette hugged her back. "Um. H-h-hi, Myrtle. How are you?" Harriette asked, struggling and failing to get out of her embrace.

Myrtle finally released her and smiled brightly. She turned to the side to make sure her figure was seen. "I'm good, Darlin'. I'm very, very good," she purred, smoothing out her dress.

Harriette glanced at Laura. Laura read the confusion on her face and nodded to her. "Say something," she mouthed, gesturing to Myrtle's breasts.

"Myrtle, Honey, you look great in that dress," Harriette said.

"You think so?" Myrtle asked, leaning forward slightly and showing off her cleavage.

"Um… Yeah," Harriette said, averting her eyes. "Did ya get a little work done, by any chance?"

Myrtle jumped up and clasped her hands together. "Oh, how kind of you to notice," she cooed, linking her arm in Harriette's. She began to walk her back to the kitchen. "I did make a minor change. You know, I have the best surgeon down in Biloxi if you ever wanna do anything about those crow's feet," she added as they went through the door.

Laura sat beside 3J and sighed, "Oh, my God."

"What's wrong, my pet?" Steve asked, sitting in the chair behind him.

"Honestly," Laura whispered, "I'm embarrassed for her. Shouldn't she be uncomfortable telling people about it?"  
Steve shrugged and nodded. "She does seem a little more vocal about it than most people," he admitted.

"She seems proud of it!" Laura said in a harsh whisper.

"What's the big deal?" 3J asked, suddenly reminding Laura that there was a child in the room with them.

Laura shook her head. "I'm sorry, 3J. We shouldn't be talking about this in front of you."

"No, really. If she feels better about herself, why can't she be proud?" he argued.

Laura looked at him and went to respond, but then she bit her tongue. He had a point.

"People are proud when get a new haircut or buy a new car. What's the difference?"

"I guess you're right, 3J. There shouldn't be a difference. It's just… taboo."

"Don't you think, if you looked like Myrtle, you might do something like that? I know I would," 3J said. "Course, I woulda started with the face," he chuckled.

Laura pinched his arm. "Hush," she scolded. "But thank you," she said softly, "for putting it into perspective again for me. I was being petty."

"Any time," he nodded.

She smiled and hugged him to her side.

Rachel and Richie walked in the front door next. "Hey, guys," Rachel said, hanging her purse by the door. "How are you?"

"Good. You?" Laura responded.

Richie walked in and did a short, but complex, handshake with 3J who stood to greet him. "Yo, Man, wassup?" 3J asked.

"Not much," Richie answered.

"You've gotta come into the kitchen and see Myrtle," he chuckled.

Rachel walked up beside them. "Myrtle's in town."

"Yes," Laura said, "but she's… changed."

"How?" Rachel asked.

"Well," Laura began, but she was interrupted by a low, bellowing scream coming from the kitchen.

"WAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!"

They all exchanged glances and ran into the kitchen. There was Eddie, hiding behind Max, right in front of the backdoor. "MYRTLE! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?" he yelled.

Myrtle scowled and set down the bottle of wine she had been holding, suddenly revealing her new bust. "Lookin' at grad schools," she answered. "I'm in town stayin' with my cousin, and I would appreciate being treated with a little dignity!"

Eddie was the only one in the room who still couldn't see her chest, as he was still hiding behind Max.

"Oh, my GOD!" Max yelled. "Myrtle, Girl, you look… AMAZING!" she said sincerely.

Myrtle was surprised by the admiration, having never in her life been complimented by one of Eddie's girlfriends. She wasn't sure how to react. "Thank you, Maxine. You look… all right, I suppose."

Eddie, surprised by Max's compliment, finally stood up straight and looked directly at Myrtle. "Whoa, Mama!" he said under his breath.

Everyone turned to him when they heard his odd choice of phrasing. Steve looked at Laura and pointed back and forth between Eddie and himself. "Did he just–?"

"Uh-huh," she nodded.

"Wow, Myrtle, you look… Wow," Eddie said mindlessly, staring directly at her cleavage.

Max turned back to glare at him, surprised that he had also reacted so positively to Myrtle's new look. "Excuse me?" she barked.

Eddie's eyes finally left Myrtle's breasts and moved back to Max's face. "Oh, naw, Baby, you know how I feel about you," he said, pulling her into his body by gripping her hips. "Myrtle just… surprised me is all."

"Mm-hm…" Max mumbled accusingly.

Eddie turned to his mother. "So, Ma, what's for dinner?" he asked.

"No, no, no, no!" Myrtle screamed, suddenly. She stomped over to Eddie in the least ladylike fashion and knocked Max out of his arms. "No, Edward, this just won't do!"

Eddie took a few steps back, edging closer to the door again, in case he needed to make a run for it. "What do you mean, Myrtle?"

"This was supposed to be my big comeback!" she explained. "And I do mean big," she purred under her breath, gesturing toward her breasts. "But you just moved right on to dinner like my gorgeous bosom was just the salad that got in the way!"

"Wait, Myrtle," Laura interrupted, "you got that done to win back Eddie?"

"WIN BACK? Ain't no 'back' about it," Eddie clarified.

"No, Laura," Myrtle corrected clearly, "I did it so I could get him under my spell and then tell him off!"

"That's no reason to go through a painful, life-altering surgery!" Laura argued.

"Oh, hush up, Laura, I know how you feel about what I did. It reads clear as day on your pretty, little face," Myrtle said with a dismissive wave, "but frankly, I like the way men stare now. You just don't know what it's like to not have that in your life. Men have always drooled at your feet."

Laura couldn't argue with that, so she didn't respond. She really didn't know what it was like to be Myrtle, so as much as Myrtle's choice had made her uncomfortable, Laura wasn't in a position to judge. Still, she hated that Myrtle had felt the need to do something so drastic. She cuddled into Steve as he wrapped a supportive arm around her and stroked her side.

"So, Edward Winslow, even after all this, you still don't find me attractive?" she asked softly.

Eddie took a deep breath. He really didn't. He had to admit to himself that he had never been more attracted to her, but he still wasn't interested. There was more to a woman than cup size, and in Eddie's eyes, that was about all Myrtle had going for her. "I'm sorry, Myrtle," he replied.

"I see," she said softly, moving toward the door. "Well, then you can just eat your heart out, Eddie Winslow, because you'll never see a body this perfect in your life!" she shouted. "I'll see you back at the apartment, Laura and Steve," she said, slamming the door behind her.

"Wait, Myrtle!" Steve called, running after her. "You don't have a key!"

"So you really think you'll be able to find someone to set Myrtle up with?" Max asked Laura when they were alone, cleaning the kitchen after dinner.

Laura shrugged. "I don't know. I want to," she said, "but I just don't know who to ask."

"What about Eric?"

"Who?" Laura asked.

"The body builder across the hall?"

Laura laughed. "What? You can't be serious, Max."

"Why not?" she asked. "He's single, isn't he?"

"Yeah, but he was going after me. I don't think Myrtle's really his type."

"Maybe not," she agreed, "but Steve isn't really your type."

Laura went to say something, but closed her mouth.

"You're not saving him for yourself, are you?" Max joked.

"No!" Laura said defensively. Maybe a little too defensively.

Max raised an eyebrow at her. "Then why not at least try?"

Laura didn't know what to say. She didn't want Myrtle to date Eric, but she couldn't explain why. She was quickly distracted as Steve walked back into the kitchen.

"Need any help ladies?" he asked.

Laura jumped, immediately growing flustered as if he had caught her doing something wrong. "Uh… No, Steve, we're done anyway," she replied, hanging the dishtowel up again. She smiled at him and walked back into the living room. Steve held the door for Max as she followed.

When Laura and Steve got home that night, they found Myrtle in her pajamas, sprawled across the couch. She was sobbing dramatically and eating a tube of raw cookie dough. Laura set her purse down and went immediately to sit by her on the couch. "Myrtle, are you ok?" she asked, as Myrtle propelled herself into her arms. Myrtle blew her nose into her hanky over Laura's shoulder, but she was unable to speak, she was sobbing so forcefully. Laura tried to say something comforting, but everything she said just made her cry harder.

Laura sat with her for hours, until she had finally fallen into a deep, deep sleep. Laura slipped out of her embrace and placed a blanket over her. Then she turned off the lights and headed back to the bedroom. Steve was already fast asleep. Laura stripped down and got into bed beside him. She cuddled against him, trying desperately to think of someone that she could set Myrtle up with. Then she felt Steve stir beside her. He nibbled softly on her neck. "Hi, Sweetheart," he whispered.

She reached back and stroked his cheek as he kissed her. "Hey, Baby. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

"That's ok, my love. I'm just glad you're here," he purred. He rolled her over to face him and climbed on top of her. He kissed her passionately, but she pushed him away.

"I'm sorry, Baby, but I'm really not in the mood tonight," she said softly.

"Is everything ok?" he asked.

"Yeah," she promised. "I'm just really worried about Myrtle. I don't want us to make too much noise and wake her up."

He frowned and lay down at her side. "Ok," he agreed.

"I'm really sorry," she emphasized. "I really want to, but I just don't think it's a good idea tonight."

"I understand, my pet," he agreed, forcing a soft smile. "I'm disappointed, but I understand."

"Thank you," she said softly, lying down on his chest.

He gently stroked her hair. "So what are we gonna do about Myrtle?" he asked.

"I don't know," Laura whined. Suddenly, Max's suggestion popped back into her head, and she giggled. "You'll never believe what Max said we should do."

"What?"

"She thinks we should set her up with Eric," Laura laughed.

Steve's eyes widened, and he shot straight up, knocking Laura off his chest. He turned on the light.

"Ow! Steve!" she scolded in a sharp whisper.

"I'm sorry, Pet, but that's a great idea!"

"What is?" Laura asked, as she lay down on her pillow, trying to get comfortable again.

"We should set her up with Eric!"

"No, we shouldn't," Laura said dismissively.

"Why not?" Steve asked.

"Because he'd never be interested," Laura said flatly.

"You don't know that unless you ask."

"Steve," Laura began, exasperated that she had to keep explaining this to people, "when we first moved in, he was interested in me. He's not going to be interested in Myrtle."

"Is that why you don't wanna ask him? Because you're jealous?" Steve asked, now growing very hurt.

"Jealous?" Laura laughed a little too loudly. "Of Myrtle? Why on Earth would I be jealous of Myrtle?"

"I don't know, Laura, but I don't like the idea that there's another guy who you're trying to keep from seeing other people. Laura, I'm the only person that you should be insisting stay faithful to you."

"Steve," Laura rolled her eyes, "that's not it. He can date whomever he wants. He and I were just talking about him seeing other people the other day. It doesn't bother me."

"When were you two talking?"

"While you were picking Myrtle up at the airport."

"He called?"

"No, he came over," Laura explained.

"Why didn't you tell me that?" Steve asked, sincerely upset.

"Because it wasn't important?" Laura said cautiously, sensing that they were really about to have an issue.

"You being in our apartment alone with another man, a man you're attracted to, is important to me, Laura," Steve said firmly.

"Nothing happened, Steve," Laura sighed.

"You still should have told me!" he argued.

"So... What? I'm supposed to tell you whenever I talk to another guy? I talked to my father tonight about a new bowling ball he bought. You were in the bathroom. Just thought you should know about it," Laura said sarcastically.

"You know that's a false equivalency, Laura!"

"Steve," Laura sighed, "why would I tell you about it if nothing happened?"

"Why would you hide it from me if nothing happened?" he countered.

"I wasn't hiding it," she argued. "It just didn't come up."

"So am I supposed to come home every day and ask you if you've been alone in the apartment with any hot guys?" he asked.

"No, Steve," Laura said softly. "You're supposed to trust me."

"I do trust you, Laura, but you have to understand why that would make me uncomfortable," he whined.

"Not if you trust me," she insisted.

Sensing they were going nowhere, Steve decided to push forward. "If you don't have feelings for him, set him up with Myrtle."

"I don't have feelings for him," Laura said firmly, "but I'm not gonna do that."

"Why not?" he pressed. "Looks aren't everything, Laura. They have stuff in common. They're both from the South!"

"And?"

"That's the only one I got," he admitted.

"Exactly," she said. "You can't build a relationship off of that."

"Well, maybe she doesn't need a relationship. She just needs a little confidence boost," he argued.

"And how is going on one date with a guy who I made go out with her and who rejects her immediately after going to boost her confidence?" she pressed.

"Do you have a better idea?" he asked.

"No," she admitted grumpily, "but I still don't think it's a good idea, and I'm not gonna do it."

"But, Laura–"

"Goodnight, Steve," she said pointedly, turning away from him.

"Goodnight," he said softly, horrified that she had cut him off like that. She only did that when she was really upset. He lay down beside her, wondering why she would be so upset at the prospect of sharing the guy across the hall with someone else. He rolled over and spooned her tightly.

"I love you," she whispered when she felt his arms wrap around her.

"I love you, too, Sweetums."

"You have nothing to worry about, Steve," she said. "I promise."

At least, she was feeling guilty about it. "Ok," he whispered, kissing her cheek. "Ok."

When Laura got home from work the next day, she was surprised to find Myrtle in exactly the same position, though she was relieved that she was no longer sobbing. "Hey, Myrtle," she smiled warmly as she sat beside her.

"Hello, Laura," Myrtle replied, her voice dripping with depression.

"How'd your interview at IOU go?" she asked.

"I don't know," she said.

"You don't know?"

"You'll have to ask someone who was there," Myrtle explained nonchalantly.

"You didn't go?" Laura gasped. "Myrtle, that's the whole reason you came up here!"

"I know," she said.

"Myrtle, you've gotta pull yourself together."

"I don't know how, Laura," she said in an eerily soft voice. "I just don't know how to do any of this anymore."

Laura stood suddenly and grabbed her laptop. She pulled up Google Images and sat by Myrtle again. She typed in Eric's name. She pulled up a picture of him deadlifting in a competition only a couple of weeks back. "This is my neighbor across the hall. Do you wanna go out with him on Friday night?"

Myrtle sat up immediately and stared hard at the computer screen. "Oh, my… Well, hello, Sailor," she purred softly.

Laura smiled at her. "So is that a yes?" Laura asked.

Myrtle looked at the screen, practically drooling, for a long moment, but then she looked away dramatically. "Oh, Laura, a man like that would never be interested in me!" she complained.

"He's already said yes," Laura lied.

Myrtle looked at her in shock. "Really?!" she asked excitedly. Then her face fell. "Has he seen a picture of me yet?" she asked.

"Yes," Laura lied again. "Yes, I showed him a picture of you at the wedding."

"In that hideous dress?" Myrtle cried.

Laura's jaw clenched. "In the beautiful dress I picked out for my bridesmaids," she corrected. "Yes."

"And he said yes?" Myrtle asked hopefully.

"Yes, Myrtle. He's really looking forward to meeting you."

"OH, MY GOD!" she screamed, just as Steve walked in the door. She began to jump wildly up and down. "Oh, Cousin Steve!" she cried. "Isn't it just wonderful?" she asked.

"What is?" Steve asked as he began to jump excitedly with her.

"The date Laura set up for me!"

"What date?" Steve asked.

Myrtle immediately stopped jumping. "He doesn't know?" she asked accusingly. "Why wouldn't you tell your husband, Laura? Did you make all this up? OH, GOD. You just googled hot guys exercising, didn't you?"

"No," Laura said quickly. She walked over to them both with her laptop. "I googled Eric Chambers. That's his name. Steve didn't know because I just set it up before I came home."

Steve smiled at her. "Really? You set it up?"

"Yeah," Laura lied. "Of course. All I care about is Myrtle's happiness," she promised.

Steve stared at her suspiciously. He could always tell when she was lying and right now, she was lying through her teeth. The question was who was she really trying to lie to? Him or Myrtle? He knew he had to get her alone to find out.

"Phew," Myrtle relaxed. "I was so nervous when I thought you had just lied to make me feel better. I'm sweating more than a pig outta mud," she laughed. "So what am I gonna be doin' with that handsome fella on our big date?"

"He and I haven't worked out all the details yet," Laura said truthfully, glancing nervously at Steve.

"Oh, well, y'all better hurry up and figure it all out! I don't have time to spare. Let's see. Tomorrow, I can go to the mall and pick out a new outfit. Though, with the way I shop, I'll probably have to go back and return it on Wednesday. Thursday I can go to the spa and get my face waxed, and then Friday I can get my hair done!"

"Myrtle, no," Laura said firmly. "This only happens if you go to the rest of your interviews and try to reschedule with IOU."

"She missed her interview with IOU?" Steve asked.

"Yes," Laura said to him in disbelief.

"Oh, Laura, none of that matters now that I got me a handsome cowboy like that. I just wanna take him back to Urkel Oaks with me and teach him how to ride bareback before I bear all his children," she mused, fanning herself excitedly with the fan she pulled out of her cleavage again.

"No, Myrtle!" Laura said. "I'm serious. I will cancel this date if you don't go to your interviews."

"But, LAURA!" she whined.

"I mean it!"

"Fine," she pouted, "but then you're gonna have to help me get ready because I don't care what they say, an independent woman can't do it all by her lonesome."

Laura rolled her eyes at her antiquated remark. "Fine," she said. "Just focus on your interviews and tell me what you need done. I'll take care of everything else," she promised.

"Oh, thank you, Laura!" she cheered, hugging her too tightly for her to breathe comfortably.

"So, Myrtle seems happy," Steve said as he climbed in bed that night.

"Uh-huh," Laura called from the bathroom, dabbing her face dry.

"How'd you get Eric to go for it?" Steve asked.

Laura turned off the light in the bathroom and climbed into bed beside Steve. "I haven't talked to him yet," she admitted.

"AHA!" Steve shouted, pointing to her dramatically. He leaned in closer and whispered sharply, "I knew you were lying!"

"I'm sorry, Steve," she said. "I didn't want to lie to you. I just wanted Myrtle to feel better, and I couldn't let you in on the lie right in front of her."

Steve took a deep breath and relaxed. "I know. I understand," he agreed. "I just really hate it when you lie to me."

"I know. I'm so sorry," she promised.

"So how are you gonna get him to say yes?" Steve asked.

"I don't know!" she whined, flopping down on the bed and pulling her pillow over her face. Steve heard a muffled scream. "I have no idea," she admitted, moving the pillow back behind her head.

"Thank you for doing this," he said. "I feel better."

"I didn't do it for you," she corrected. "I did it for Myrtle. I still don't think you're being fair to me."

"I don't think you're being fair to me," he countered. "Laura, Sweetheart, you don't know what it's like to be with someone who's so far out of your league. It's terrifying."

"I'm not out of your league," she pressed, moving closer to him and placing a hand on his arm comfortingly.

"Yes, you are," he insisted. "Ask anybody!"

"How about Myra?" she suggested.

Steve laughed and snorted. "Ok, she might be the one person who would say I'm out of yours," he agreed, "but anyone else."

"Steve, if you trust me, none of this should matter," she pressed.

"Believe me, Sweetums, if I could make this feeling go away, I would."

"Baby, if I there were something I could do to make it go away, I would, too," she promised.

"Setting Eric up with Myrtle is a good start," Steve said.

"That's not what I mean, Steve. I don't wanna deal with this one jealous outburst at a time. I want you to trust me."

"Dealing with my jealous outbursts for a while might be the only way to make me really do that," he explained.

Laura took a deep breath and sighed.

"You said you were gonna give me time," he reminded her.

"I know, Steve, but this is really frustrating for me. Honestly, it hurts my feelings," she said softly.

He wrapped his arms around her tightly. "I don't mean to hurt your feelings, my love. I never wanna do that."

"I know," she said, burying her face in his chest.

Steve cleared his throat. " _Ahem_. So... Since Myrtle's feeling better, do you think... maybe... you and I could... you know?"

Laura pushed herself up slightly to look down at him. "Well, I don't know," she teased. "What about all the other men who want me tonight?"

"Not funny," he reprimanded sharply.

"How will I ever decide?" she purred, leaning over him and running her hands up his chest. She began to unbutton his shirt as she straddled him. "There's you and Eric and every single one of my ex-boyfriends and every man who's ever made eye contact with me and every man who's ever touched the same dollar as me and most male celebrities and probably even most women," she whispered in his ear. "How will I ever decide who to make love to tonight?" She unbuttoned his last button and pulled his shirt off completely. She nibbled on his neck, sucking hard and moaning softly. "Oh, wait. I know," she said, sitting up. "I'll just _not_ break my marriage vows," she exclaimed. "It's that simple."

"Sweetums, you don't have to be so–" Steve shut his mouth immediately as she slipped her top over her head, exposing her breasts.

"What was that, Baby?" she asked innocently. "You were complaining about something?"

He sat up and pushed her back on the bed. He kissed her passionately, reaching up to grab her breasts. He buried his face between them and motorboated her, basking in his ability to do so. Sure, she may have only been teasing him about all the other men who wanted her, but he truly believed she underestimated her sex appeal. She may not have realized how lucky he was to be with her anymore, but he certainly did, and he savored every moment of it. He liked Eric. He really did, but he didn't like the way his eyes always rested too long on Laura's breasts. Steve knew he was imagining doing just this. Steve took her nipple in his mouth and began to suck on it as his hands moved down to her shorts. He yanked them off along with her thong.

Steve thought back to a moment burned in his memory from just a few days ago. He and Laura stopped at their mailbox on their way home from an emergency, Wednesday-night trip to the grocery store. They ran into Eric and greeted him politely. Steve had been pleased to see his neighbor until Laura dropped a piece of their mail and bent over to pick it up. As she did, her shirt rose and her jeans sank to reveal her hot pink thong. Steve wasn't surprised to see that Eric had already been staring at her backside, meaning he didn't miss a second of her exposed undies.

He couldn't stop thinking about that as he tossed her thong off the bed. Without hesitance, he shoved his fingers deep inside her womanhood.

"Steve!" she exclaimed in surprise and pleasure. He began to move his fingers in and out of her as she tried to control her breathing, giggling as she adjusted to the rush accompanying his refusal to take things slowly tonight. As his fingers began to persistently rub her G-spot, she purred deeper, "Oh, _Steeeve_ …"

As he heard her change from a tone of surprise and excitement to one of lust and desire, he released her nipple, giving it a gentle bite, and kissed down to her navel. His head still flooded with memories, he thought back to the years she had spent cheerleading, lifting her arms high in the air and exposing this adorably sexy bellybutton for the world to see. He slipped his tongue inside it and felt her jump.

"Oh!" she exclaimed.

He made his way between her thighs and began to devour her most intimate place immediately, his fingers still moving inside. As he sucked on her clit, he paid attention to the rate of her pulse pumping through it and her heavy breathing. He listened for that little hitch in her moans that always told him he was doing something right. It wasn't long ago that he'd done this for the first time. It wasn't long ago that he'd thought he'd never get the chance to do this. It wasn't even long ago that he didn't know this was something he would want to do. He thought about the guys she used to date, the guys that really cared about her and the guys that just wanted her for her body. Most of them would have been happy to do this for her, in exchange for something else, but Steve knew he saw this differently than they did. To him, this was a gift in and of itself. This was enough for him. As much as he loved being pleasured by her, satisfying her was enough for him.

"OH, GOD, STEVE! I'M COMING!" she cried as he sent her over the edge, suddenly making him realize how much time he had passed down there.

She shook and trembled against him, trying to smother him between her thick thighs, and he happily got lost in the scents, sounds, and flavors of her ecstasy. When she finally released him, he lowered his head to lap at her juices, but she didn't let him stay there long. She grabbed his cheeks and pulled him up to her face again, kissing him deeply.

His mind wandered back to the last time he had seen Laura kiss Stefan. It was a little over a week before Polkapalooza. Steve hadn't even asked her to go yet. He was headed down to the polka hall to help with the preparations. She had told him that Stefan was coming back to town that Tuesday morning, and he knew that he didn't want to be around for their reunion. Laura had been good about not being affectionate to either one of them when the three were unlucky enough to be in the same room, but he knew that she would be spending the day with Stefan, so he had made plans to be far away from them both. Unfortunately, he had forgotten his hat and didn't want to look foolish without it. It completed his ensemble. He slipped in through the backdoor and headed to the closet in the living room. He didn't hear any noise, so he assumed Laura hadn't gotten back from the airport yet, but he was dead wrong. He walked in from the kitchen, only to see Laura's lips intertwined with his alter ego's. Of course, he had seen it before, but he hadn't seen it since he'd become her other make out buddy. He hadn't thought that anything could hurt worse than seeing Laura kiss another man, but seeing her kiss another man just after he had kissed her goodnight after their study date the night before, that hurt worse. He paused in the doorway, watching intently. He reached a hand up to his lips and touched them gently, making sure her lip gloss wasn't still there. He could almost taste it.

As she broke their kiss, she stared up at him intently. "Steve, that was amazing," she whispered, reaching a finger up to stroke his wet lips. "Thank you."

Steve's eyes met hers again. It was clear from the focus of her stare that her mind wasn't wandering like his was. "You don't ever have to thank me for that," he whispered before kissing her again.

As his tongue met hers again, he tried to focus on the beauty of the body in front of him, but his mind went further backward, landing on the first time he'd seen her kiss another man. Daniel Wallace. At the audition for _Romeo & Juliet_. He knew it wasn't her first kiss, but it was the first one he had had to watch. He practically ripped them apart, which was exactly what it'd felt like she'd done to his heart.

"I want you, Steve," she whispered, reaching between them and pulling down his underwear.

The lust in her voice brought him back to reality. "Say it again," he ordered as he wiggled out of his boxers and tossed them aside.

"I want you," she purred again.

"With my name. Say it with my name again," he begged as calmly as possible.

"I want you, Steve Urkel," she whispered, smiling bashfully.

He recaptured her lips again immediately and thrust the tip of himself inside of her.

"Oh!" she gasped against his lips before he shoved his tongue back in her mouth.

He began to move in deeper as she whimpered below him. He looked her in the eye and flashed back to the moment he overheard Ted Curran spreading rumors about sleeping with her. He didn't believe him for a second. He knew that Laura was the purest woman to ever touch the face of the earth, but when he told her about it, and she reacted so negatively, there was a moment that he doubted himself. He went home that day and cried in his room, heartbroken that she wouldn't trust him, that someone was treating her like that, and that she would rather be with someone who would treat her like that than with him. As he thought about why she may have stormed away from him, a whisper in the back of his mind suggested that she may have been trying to conceal the truth, that Ted was telling the truth. That voice made him cry even harder.

"Steve?" she prompted. "Steve, is everything ok?"

He snapped back to the present and looked down at her. He kissed her gently. "Mm. Yes, of course everything's ok," he promised. "Why?"

"You're not moving," she shrugged awkwardly, glancing between them.

"Oh," he said. He laughed and snorted. He began to move in and out of her. "I'm sorry, Pet. I was a little distracted."

Laura smirked up at him. "Thinking about someone else?"

"No," he promised, kissing her again. "It's all you, Baby. It's always been you." He leaned down and began to kiss her neck as he moved in and out.

"Oh, Steeeeeve…" she purred with a soft giggle. "That's it. That's great."

He remembered how proud he was when he finally saw her tell Ted off. He deserved every word. He deserved worse. It made Steve's stomach twist and his ears burn just to think about Ted destroying her reputation again. It had been years, but Steve still wasn't over how horrible he had felt hearing that Ted had scored with Laura, even knowing it wasn't true.

"Faster, Steve. I'm getting close," she whispered.

He began to move quicker, thrusting harder and lifting his head to look her in the eye. He had been her first. He was her only, and he wanted it to stay that way. How could she not understand why he was so jealous of everyone who looked at her?

"Yeah, Baby. Yeah, don't stop. I'm gonna come," she moaned.

"Oh, Laura," he groaned. "Laura Lee. I love you so much. I love you so, so much. I love you."

"I… Love… You… Tooooooo," she whined, closing her eyes tightly.

"Oh, LAURA!" he cried out as he came with her.

"Ooooooo," she moaned. "Ohhhh…"

He watched her carefully as she finished, savoring the beautiful moment. Then he slipped out of her and lay back down, still panting heavily. He grabbed her by the hips and pulled her into his arms. He stroked her hair softly. "It's not crazy, you know."

"What's not?" she asked, still clearly out of breath.

"To worry about my wife cheating on me. People do it everyday," he reasoned.

"But I won't," she promised. "I would never do that to you."

"Laura, nobody thinks they would do that to the person they love, but marriage is hard. They develop feelings for someone else, or they get into a big fight, or they get really drunk, and then they do something they never thought they could ever do," he said. "Now, I don't want you to think that I'm bringing this up to make you feel bad, because I'm not. I'm really, really not, but you, of all people, should know how these things can come out of nowhere. When we turned my clone into Stefan, did you ever think for a second that one day you'd cheat on him with me?"

"No," she admitted, "but that was different."

"How?" he asked.

"Because he wasn't right for me. You are."

"Everyone seems right for you until they don't anymore," he said sadly. He hated admitting, even to himself, that marriage wasn't the finish line. It didn't necessarily mean she'd be his forever.

Laura wiped the tears that were beginning to form in her eyes. "Steve, Honey," she sniffled, "please don't talk like that."

"If you ever cheat on me, I won't leave," he promised.

"What?" she asked, lifting her head to look into his eyes.

"I won't leave. No matter what you do to me, Laura, I'll never leave you. I know my life could never be better without you than it is with you."

"Steve, I'm not gonna cheat on you, but if I did, you should leave. I'd leave you if you ever did that to me."

"I won't," he confirmed.

"Neither will I."

"But it's ok if you do," he smiled weakly. "I'll forgive you."

"No, it's not ok, Steve! It's not ok for anyone to treat you like that!"

"Laura, there's nothing you could do that could change how I feel about you," he explained.

Laura shook her head. "That's enough, Steve." She sat upright, pulling the sheet with her to keep her covered. "Come here," she said, motioning for him to sit up next to her. He did, and she moved closer to him. She reached out and gently stroked his face. "I want you to look me in the eye while I tell you something that you haven't been told enough in your life." She leaned forward and kissed him on the lips, holding his face firmly with her hands on both cheeks. "Steven Quincy Urkel, you deserve to be treated with respect. You are brilliant, kind, virtuous, loving, and loyal. You are worthy of love and devotion. You are worthy of me. No one, not even me, has the right to treat you like anything less."

Steve looked at her in awe.

"You don't have to say anything," she said quickly, lying back down. "I just want you to let that soak in. Someday, I promise I'll make you believe it."

He lay down beside her again and took off his glasses. He spooned her silently. Eventually, he kissed her cheek and whispered, "Thank you, Laura Lee."

The next evening, Laura had a quick stop to make before she went back to the apartment. She paused in front of Eric's door and knocked slowly. She waited for a long moment, and then started to grow nervous. "You know what?" she said aloud to herself. "He's probably not home. I'll just–" The door opened, and she quickly closed her mouth.

"Well, if it isn't the lovey Mrs. Urkel!" Eric exclaimed with a sly smile. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Are you free Friday night?" Laura blurted.

Eric raised an eyebrow and looked her up and down. "Why don't you come inside?" he suggested.

Laura walked in immediately, not wanting Myrtle to happen upon them and find out that Laura had lied to her the night before. However, Laura had completely missed the other implications of her question and was therefore completely unprepared for what came next. Eric shut the door behind her and walked to his fridge. He pulled out an open bottle of cheap wine and uncorked it. He poured two glasses and silently offered her one. She grimaced at the fact that it was refrigerated, but took it anyway. He sat down on his sofa and motioned for her to join him.

"So are you free?" she asked again, taking a sip and cringing at the unfortunate taste. She set the glass down on his coffee table as politely as possible.

"C'mon, Baby," he purred placing a hand on her knee. "You can't just ask me a question like that without a little explanation. What did Steve do to send you running into my waiting arms?"

Laura raised an eyebrow at him and pursed her lips. "Hm. Boy, if you don't get that hand about three feet away from me in the next five seconds, I'mma cut it off," she threatened.

His eyes widened, and he pulled his hand back. He scooted a cushion away in the same motion. "There's a slight possibility I may have misread this."

"You think?" she accused.

"Come on, Laura. You come over to my apartment, lookin' all skittish, askin' if I'm free on Friday night? You should have been more clear!" he argued.

"You should stop trying to get in your married neighbor's pants!" Laura cried defensively. Laura bit her tongue hard to stop herself from berating him anymore than she already had. This was no way to ask for a favor, even if he had made a fool of himself.

"You're right. I'm sorry," he said.

"No, I'm sorry. I'm being weird," she said. "The truth is, I came over to ask you for a huge, huge favor, and I'm a little on edge."

"What do you need?" he asked sincerely.

Laura appreciated that about him. Though she and Steve could say a lot about Eric, he was a good neighbor. It must have been that southern hospitality thing people were always talking about. "Are you free on Friday night?" she asked again.

"Yes," he said. "I have a couple of clients lined up in the early evening, but I'll be home by seven."

"Ok, good. That'll work. Would you like to come over to our apartment for dinner?" she proposed casually.

"What's the catch?" he asked.

"You're just cutting right to the chase, huh?" Laura laughed nervously.

"Yes, Ma'am."

"It would be a double date," Laura explained.

"Oh, really?" he grinned. "So who will be Steve's date?"

Laura smirked, relaxing slightly, and slapped his knee. "Stop," she smiled. "Steve's cousin's in town, and she asked me to set her up. I don't really know a lot of single guys anymore…"

"Because Steve's so jealous," Eric interjected.

"And because they can't take no for an answer," she said, pausing pointedly. "So, anyway, you're kind of my only hope."

He nodded and finished his glass of wine. "Do you have a picture?"

Laura cringed. "Uh… Yeah…"

"Can I see it?" he asked, growing suspicious because of the grimace on her face.

"Do you have to?" she asked, batting her eyelashes flirtatiously.

"Yes," he said firmly.

Laura frowned and dug into her purse. She found the picture and held it face-down on her lap. "Ok, but you have to keep an open mind. She's a sweet, sweet girl, and she's really smart, too. She's up here looking at grad schools because she's finishing her degree a semester early. Oh! And she's a southern belle," Laura purred.

"Let me see," he said, knowing it wasn't going to be pretty.

Laura handed him the photo and watched his face.

"Oh, HELL NO," he yelled, handing the photo back to her. "There's nothin' 'belle' about that!"

"But, Eric–"

"She looks like Steve in a dress and a wig!" he cried.

"Well, the family resemblance is strong, but she's really a woman. I promise. In fact, you can't see it in this photo, but she has really big boobs!" Laura decided to leave out the part about them being fake.

"How big?" he paused.

Laura rolled her eyes. _Men_. "Triple D, if you must know."

"It doesn't matter. There's no body type that could make me interested in that. All I see is Steve in that face."

"Come on, Eric. She's going through something. Can't you just fake it for a night?" she begged.

"And what happens when she wants a second date?" he asked.

"I don't know," Laura grumbled. "Can't you just marry her?"

"Laura," he complained. "Come on. I wanna help you out, but you know you're not being fair to me."

Laura frowned. "I know. I just don't know what to do. She's really having a hard time. The only thing that pulled her out of her depression was me lyin' to her face. I told her I'd already set all this up! God, what am I gonna do?" she asked, resting her face in her hands.

Eric watched in horror as she began to cry. "Oh, hey, hey, hey. Laura, don't cry," he said. He wrapped an arm around her back and pulled her into his chest. He rubbed her back slowly.

"I'm sorry," she sniffled. "It's just… She's so upset, and she doesn't think anyone will ever find her attractive, and there's not even anything I can say to make her feel better because they probably won't. She's such a good person, and she'll probably spend the rest of her life alone," she sobbed.

"Oh, no, I'm sure that's not true. She just needs to find a guy who's maybe… a little… unconventionally attractive, too," he argued, as nicely as possible.

"But she'll never find a guy like that if she spends the rest of her life on my couch in a deep, dark depression!" Laura cried, dramatically wiping her tears.

"Well, maybe all she needs is a little confidence boost," he suggested. "I'll tell you what. We'll double on Friday, and I'll pretend to really, really like her. Then I'll come up with a way to get out of another date. We'll tell her I'm being deployed or something."

"Well, I've already told her you're a professional weightlifter," Laura said, "so we don't really have to lie… much. We can just say you're going on the road for some competitions and don't have time for the kind of devoted relationship you'd want to have with a woman as wonderful as she is."

"Hey, that's pretty good," he smiled, hugging her to his side. "Sure, I'll say that," he agreed.

"You're really gonna do this?" Laura pouted, looking up at him with puppy dog eyes. "Promise?" she asked, offering him a hand.

"Yes," he said, shaking her hand. "I promise. Hey, what are neighbors for?"

"Good," Laura said flatly, standing abruptly. She wiped the makeup from her eyes quickly and emotionlessly. "Thank you so much, Eric," she smiled brightly. "I really appreciate it. Come over to our place for dinner right after work on Friday, but make sure you shower first and put on a really nice suit. Bring flowers," she instructed, walking toward the door. "Thanks again," she purred, winking at him before shutting it quickly.

Eric cocked his head at the door and looked around his empty apartment. He couldn't help but feel like he'd just gotten hustled.

Friday night, Laura and Steve were in the kitchen, prepping for the big dinner. "You never told me how you got Eric to agree to this," Steve said.

Laura smirked at him as she continued chopping vegetables. "I cried."

He turned to her. "You really cried or you cried in order to get him to go through with it?" he asked.

"I fake cried," she admitted.

He set down his knife and came up behind her to wrap his arms around her waist. "Good," he purred, "because I would hate to think my wife was truly upset and went to some beefcake to comfort her instead of her husband."

Laura set her knife down too and turned around, wrapping her arms around her neck. "I would never do that, Baby," she cooed, leaning close to his lips. "There's only one guy in the world who can always make me feel better when I'm upset."

"Oh, really?" he asked flirtatiously. "And who's that?"

"Christian Louboutin," she smirked, kicking up her heel.

His face fell into a scowl. "Hey, watch it, Woman," he warned.

She giggled and kissed him. They got lost for a moment until they were pulled back to reality by a bloodcurdling scream.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Laura and Steve pulled apart, both heading toward the office. Laura knocked. "Myrtle, Honey, is everything ok?" she asked.

Myrtle flung open the door, standing before them in only a slip. "No, Laura, everything is a disaster! That big, hunky neighbor of yours will be here in an hour, and the zipper on my dress broke! Whatever am I gonna do?" she whined.

"Oh, no," Laura said quickly. She reached out and touched the zipper for a moment. "Yup. That's broken," she said flatly. "Myrtle," she suggested sympathetically, "you'll just have to wear something of mine." Laura opened the bedroom door and grabbed a dress bag from just inside the room, handing it to Myrtle. "This should fit!" she said excitedly. "And it'll look great on you," she promised.

Myrtle unzipped the bag and peeked inside. It was a fitted, burgundy cocktail dress. "I suppose this'll have to do," she frowned. "Thanks. _I guess_."

Laura and Steve stepped out to let her change. Steve turned to Laura as they ended up back in the kitchen. "You and Myrtle don't wear the same size… anything," he said.

"No, we don't," she agreed.

"But you just happened to have an evening dress in her size waiting on the other side of the door."

"I just wanted to be prepared in case something went wrong tonight," she shrugged.

"You sabotaged her zipper, didn't you?" he accused.  
Laura turned around quickly and smirked at him. "Shhhh…" she hushed him urgently. "All that matters is that Myrtle will be wearing a beautiful dress tonight, instead of that fluffy, lime green thing she had been planning on. Does it really matter how that problem got resolved?" she asked.

Steve shook his head at her, smiling softly. "Crocodile tears and classified dress warfare. You are an incredible woman," he whispered with stars in his eyes. Laura giggled and blushed at the compliment.  
Suddenly, Myrtle stomped through the door in the dress. "I look hideous!" she exclaimed.

Laura walked over to her and looked her up and down. Damn, she was good. Myrtle Urkel almost looked like a normal person in that dress. "Myrtle, you look fabulous."

"You have to change," Myrtle said flatly.

" _I_ have to change?" Laura repeated. "Why do _I_ have to change?"

"Because if I have to wear _this_ ," Myrtle explained, gesturing to her dress, "you _cannot_ wear that." She pointed at Laura.

Laura looked down at the dress she was wearing. "Why not?"

"Because you look better than me!"

Laura looked down again. Of course, she looked better than Myrtle; she always looked better than Myrtle. That wasn't, however, something she could possibly say to Myrtle.

"You do look very sexy, Sweetums," Steve admitted, "and with your and Eric's history, maybe that's not the best idea."

"History?" Myrtle asked. "What history?"

 _Crap._ Laura turned back and glared at Steve. "Way to go, Steve," she growled. Laura turned back to Myrtle to explain. "It's nothing," Laura began. "It's just… When we first moved in, Eric and I kind of… flirted a little."

"And he still does!" Steve added.

Laura glared at him. "I suppose you could say that," she snarled. How was he not getting the hint that he should just shut up?

"Well, then that does it," Myrtle said, pulling her back toward the bedroom. "You definitely have to change. I can't compete with that."

"But, Myrtle–"

"Hush, Puppy!" she ordered, slamming the door behind them.

When Laura was finally let out again, she was wearing a loose, flowing, floor-length, red skirt, a baggy, cream-colored turtleneck, and ballet flats. She glared at Steve, resenting him for supporting this hideous wardrobe change.

"You look beautiful, my sweet," he purred, kissing her head as he noticed that her eyes were trying to burn a hole right through his skull.

"I look like a nun," she complained.

"No," he said pointedly, "you look like a wife."

"Shut up," she ordered casually as she continued chopping the carrot in front of her.

"Shutting up," Steve announced before he was forced find out what other long things she could chop with that knife.

When Eric knocked, Laura went to answer it because Myrtle insisted on making an entrance, and Steve was in the midst of his cooking. She opened it and smiled. "Hey, Eric. Thanks for coming!"

He cocked his head at her and looked her up and down. "Dang. I at least thought you were gonna be eye candy for me tonight," he complained.

Laura looked down at her outfit in embarrassment. "Myrtle made me change. She didn't want me distracting you."

He shrugged. "Given my choices for the evening, you're still the prettiest thing in the room," he smiled.

Laura rolled her eyes and opened the door wider so he'd step in. "Thanks," she said eventually.

"Flowers for my hostess," he announced, handing her a bouquet of pink roses, "as you requested."

"Flowers for your date," Laura corrected in an urgent whisper, pushing them back toward him.

"Flowers for my hostess," he repeated, pushing them toward her again.

"No," Laura barked.

"Fine," he said. He handed her the bottle of wine in his other hand. "Wine for my hostess," he said. He observed the hesitance in her face. "Don't worry," he explained. "I drink the cheap stuff. I give the good stuff." She finally accepted it. He turned toward Steve in the kitchen. "Steve!" he called.

Steve set his knife down and extended his hand. "Eric," he said. "My man! Glad you could make it."

Eric shook his hand. "Thanks for inviting me." He handed Steve the flowers. Steve looked at him in confusion as he accepted them. "I originally bought you the wine and the roses for Laura, but she wouldn't accept them," he explained.

"Oh." Steve nodded in understanding and went to find a vase. "Then thank you," he chirped.

"You were supposed to bring flowers for Myrtle. Not Steve," Laura scolded quietly.

"I did," he said, pulling a tiny potted plant out of his jacket as Laura's brow furrowed. "I like to give live flowers to dates. Giving them cut ones just doesn't send the same message of exciting, new beginnings."

"Huh," Laura said.

"Yeah," he taunted. " _Huh_."

" _Ahem_. So, I'm just gonna go get Myrtle," she said.

"Ok," Eric agreed. "Just give me one second to blind myself with one of those fancy Japanese knives," he grumbled.

Laura yanked him further away from Steve. "Hey, c'mon. Be nice."

"Laura, she's not even in the room yet."

"No, but that's Steve's cousin," she said, "and he _is_ in the room."

"Right, but he knows I'm not really interested," he stated. He paused as he read Laura's uncomfortable gaze. "Doesn't he?"

"I haven't gone over the full plan with him yet. He's not great at the secret-keeping," she explained.

"So you lied to him?"

"No, I just didn't tell him the full truth. He knows that you're doing this as a favor to me, but the whole part about me feeding you your break-up line, I may have left out."

He shook his head at her. "Shame," he scolded.

"Shut up," she said, rolling her eyes. "Go sit down."

As he walked over to the couch to take a seat, Laura walked to the office. "Myrtle," she said, knocking as she walked in. The door to the bedroom was open, so she walked in and found Myrtle in the bathroom. "Hey, Myrtle, Eric's here," she said in the doorway.

"He is? Oh, my, Laura… I'm sweatin' like a pig in a blanket," she complained, dabbing at her pits with wads of toilet paper still connected to the roll. She unfurled more as she moved closer to Laura. "I don't think I can do this. Why is he interested in me?"

Laura smiled at her softly. "Myrtle, he's not interested in you," she said softly.

Myrtle turned to her. "E'cu'e me?" she asked, using a classic Urkel quip.

"He's here because I asked him to come. He doesn't even know you. You've gotta go out there and show him how much there is to be interested in!" she explained.

"Oh, Laura, I don't know how to do any of that!" she complained.

"Sure you do! This is what all those days of walking around with books on your head and pretending you can't count higher than the number of kids you plan to have were for!"

"You don't have a high opinion of southern tradition, do you?" Myrtle frowned.

"No," Laura admitted, "but I'm not the person you wanna impress. That hunk out there grew up on a farm in Alabama, and he is sick of all these Yankee hoochie mamas."

Myrtle paused. "You didn't tell me he was from the South. Laura, you know I like northern boys. They're so easily frightened by a real, down-home woman," she mused, rubbing her hands over her body.

Laura chuckled. "Well, maybe it's time to stop scaring boys and start looking for a real man who can handle a day in the fields… followed by a roll in the hay," she teased.

"Ooooooo… Honey, you so bad," Myrtle cooed, waving a hand at her. "Ok," she agreed. "Maybe you're right."

Laura turned on her heel. "He's ready when you are," she called, walking out of the bathroom.

When she got back to the main room, she found both boys in the kitchen. "Oh, Lord," she laughed. "Steve, tell me you're not lettin' this fool touch our dinner."

Steve smiled at her. "Don't worry. I put him on salad duty, my sweet. I thought it might be time he learned how to cook seein' that he's a grown man."

"Hey," Eric interrupted, "if I find the right woman, I won't need to know how to cook."

Laura and Steve both rolled their eyes. "And with an attitude like that, you might just find Mrs. Right… in the eighteenth century," Laura joked.

Steve laughed and snorted. " _Snort. Snort_. Good one, my little firecracker."

"Thank you, Baby," she smiled, stealing a crouton from Eric's salad and sitting on a stool at the island.

" _Ahem_." Myrtle cleared her throat as she stepped out of the bedroom.

"Good Lord," Eric mumbled, "somebody open that wine." He set down the lettuce he was holding and took a few hesitant steps toward Myrtle. He smiled as convincingly as he could. "Good evenin', Ma'am," he cooed in his natural, southern drawl. "You must be Miss Myrtle Mae Urkel of Biloxi, Mississippi."

She smiled brightly. "Why, I do believe you're right," she giggled. She extended her hand, but not for a shake. She offered it to him palm-down.

Of course, he knew what to do. He took her hand and kissed it. "Eric Beauregard Chambers," he smiled. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

Laura and Steve both looked at each other. "Beauregard?" they mouthed silently in unison.

"Charmed, I'm sure," Myrtle smiled, pulling her hand back.

He offered her his arm and led her to the dinner table. He pulled out her chair, and she sat as daintily as an Urkel could. She only knocked one empty glass off the table, which Eric caught before it shattered. "Can I pour you a glass of wine?" he offered, holding the glass he had caught.

"Maybe one," she said coyly.

"Of course," he smiled. "You're too much of a lady to indulge any deeper in temptation," he purred, leaning close to her and casually brushing his hand against her bare shoulder. He walked quickly to the kitchen and leaned lose to Laura's ear. "Wine. Lots and lots of wine," he whispered.

"Shhh…" Laura scolded, batting him away before anyone saw him whispering into her ear. That wouldn't have played well with Myrtle, nor with Steve. She uncorked the bottle he had brought, poured two glasses, and sent him back. Then she poured a large one for herself. She took three generous sips and turned to Steve. "Do you need any help, Baby?"

"No sweat, my pet. I got it. You should probably go… monitor that situation," he suggested.

"Exactly what I was thinking," she agreed, kissing his cheek. "Thank you, Honey. Please, join us the second you get a chance," she begged as she walked out toward the table. She sat beside Eric, who was seated next to Myrtle at the small, square table. She smiled at them both.

Eric turned to her as she sat and smiled. He had already finished his first glass and refilled it with the bottle she had made the mistake of bringing with her. "Laura," he said excitedly, "Myrtle was just telling me about the hideous dress you made her wear to your wedding."

Laura glared at her. "Was she?" Laura asked with a large, fake smile, fully aware that Eric had only brought that up to mess with her, but Laura knew better. She planned to do nothing but talk up Myrtle tonight. "Well, luckily _all_ of my bridesmaids looked beautiful in it."

"I'm sure they did," Eric smiled at Laura. "So, how long have you known Myrtle?" he asked, mostly just wanting to continue looking at Laura, rather than Myrtle, while not being completely rude. "As long as you've know Steve?"

Laura went to answer the question, but noticed Myrtle's less than subtle hand signals telling her to leave them alone. "Well, no. We met when we were about thirteen or fourteen," she said.

"And you've been close ever since?" he asked, turning to Myrtle who abruptly stopped her signals.

"Closer than two bullfrogs down at the pond," she cooed.

Laura signaled that she wasn't budging, mostly for Myrtle's own good, but she put her hands right in her lap as Eric turned back to her.

"That's really sweet," he said, taking a long sip from his wineglass. "You don't see much of that family unity up north."

"Well, Myrtle's only been family for a few months," Laura reasoned. "That was really just a little _northern_ hospitality. Maybe you should give us a little more credit."

"Oh, Honey, there is no such thing," Myrtle laughed.

Eric smiled back at her. "Northern hospitality?" he scoffed. "These Yankees just can't get enough of themselves, can they?"

" _Hoo_ … You're telling me," Myrtle agreed.

While Steve cooked, the three continued chatting, but as Eric continued drinking, Laura noticed an alarming trend. Tipsy Eric was even flirtier than normal and, unfortunately, not quite drunk enough to find Myrtle attractive. Just as Steve set the bread down on the table, Eric's hand landed high on Laura' thigh. "Oh!" she cried as she jumped, though his hand didn't budge.

Steve looked at her in concern. "Everything all right, my sweet?" he asked.

Eric's hand rubbed her thigh firmly. She forced a smile, not wanting to blow this date for Myrtle. "Um. Yeah. Yeah, I just got a little chill," she lied. She placed her hand on Eric's and gripped it firmly. She tried to yank it away as Steve stepped back into the kitchen, but he just tightened his grip on her shapely leg.

"So, Eric," Myrtle began. She was completely unaware of the hijinks below the tablecloth, but very much aware of the way he was looking at Laura. "Tell me. How did you become a professional weightlifter?"

"Well," he said, glancing at Myrtle for a moment, "it all started with my work on the farm. Lifting bales of hay all day really builds up some muscle. When I moved up here, without a penny to my name, I got a job at a gym." He looked back at Laura. "They barely interviewed me. They just looked me up and down and assumed I must have known something about fitness. It all took off from there."

Laura glared at him, still trying to remove his hand, but he really was strong. She was just glad he hadn't tried to touch her anywhere more intimate, because it was becoming clear she couldn't stop him if he wanted to. She had learned quickly that she wasn't a fan of tipsy Eric.

"Fascinating..." Myrtle purred.

Laura dug her nails into his hand, and he screamed. "Aaahhh!" He jumped up from his chair, gripping his hand gently.

She looked up at him unapologetically. "Is everything ok?" she asked.

He looked down at his hand, noticing she had drawn blood. Still, even tipsy, he knew he had no right to complain. "Yeah," he mumbled. "I just bumped my hand on the table when I stood up to go to the restroom. I'll be right back. Excuse me for one moment, ladies."

"Of course," Myrtle smiled.

"There's a first aid kit in there, if you need it," Laura offered casually, glaring back at him.

"Thanks," he grumbled.

Myrtle chugged the rest of her wine and refilled it. She chugged that glass, too, before refilling again. She smiled at Laura. "I think he's really starting to like me."

Laura forced a smile. "I think so, too!" she lied.

"Then why are you trying to steal him away from me, you hussy?" she asked.

Laura's eyes widened. "What?" she asked. "Myrtle, I'm not!"

"Oh, don't give me that! I saw the sultry, fiery stare you were giving him," she complained.

"That wasn't a stare! It was a glare! And it may have been fiery, but it sure wasn't sultry," Laura whispered harshly, hoping Steve wouldn't hear. "Just relax, Myrtle. You're being paranoid."

"So you're telling me that nothing's been happening between you two tonight?"

"Of course not!"

"Nothing at all?" Myrtle pressed.

Laura hesitated. Nothing on her end, but nothing at all? "Myrtle, I promise I'm not doing anything."

Myrtle's brow furrowed. She went to ask a follow-up question, but thankfully, Eric returned. "Where were we, ladies?" he asked.

Laura noticed that his hand was now bandaged and smiled to herself. _Serves him right_ , she thought.

Not long after, Steve served dinner. Laura was relieved to have him at the table with her. She moved her chair closer to his and placed a hand on his thigh as they ate. He smiled at her, confused but touched by the unprompted affection.

After dinner was finished, as were three bottles of wine, Eric stood. "Well, I believe it's time for a little after-dinner drink," he proposed. "Steve," he grinned challengingly, "I have something back at the apartment, just for us men. Should I grab it?"

Steve shook his head. "Oh, no. I'm not really much of a drinker." He held up his wineglass and pointed at it. "This is grape juice."

Laura smiled at her goofy husband and rested her head on his shoulder.

"Oh, c'mon now. You can't let your own wife drink you under the table," he chuckled.

Steve glared. He wasn't a big fan of tipsy Eric either.

"I'll be right back," he announced. He returned quickly with a bottle of bourbon and two glasses. He poured well over a shot into each. He took his glass and handed the other to Steve. "Cheers, Cowboy," he grinned.

Steve tapped his glass against his and brought it up to his lips. He took a small sip and immediately began coughing. Laura looked at him in concern and pounded lightly on his back. Eric chuckled and shot the large glass. He poured himself a second.

Myrtle smiled at Eric. "Yankees," she complained. She took Steve's glass and finished it in two swallows.

Eric grinned at her. "Impressive."

"Everyone knows that a Southern Belle can hold her liquor," Myrtle smiled coyly.

"And cover it with some breath mints and one heck of a waltz to make sure Daddy doesn't know she's three sheets to the wind."

"Oooo... You know our secret! Your daughters are gonna have a tough time foolin' you someday," she teased.

Eric refilled her glass, and the two went shot for shot until they were both about ready to tip over.

Laura and Steve watched in disgust. Though they tried to discourage them, they were unstoppable. Laura appreciated that Eric, being completely wasted, had at least refocused his attention back on his date, but she quickly noticed things were getting out of hand. The last straw came just before ten. Myrtle leaned close to Eric and whispered, "What do you say we head back to your place, and I show off my rodeo skills?" Though, her drunken whisper was anything but a whisper.

Laura stood immediately, before Eric could answer. "Absolutely not!" she yelled. She turned to Myrtle. "Now, look, Myrtle, I'm glad you two are having a good time, but I'm not letting you waste your virginity on some guy who's not even interested and a night that neither of you will remember. Eric, you need to go home now. Alone."

Eric stood, though he wobbled slightly. "Now, wait a minute," he slurred. "I've been tryin' to get in your pants for months, and now that some other girl's all over me, you're gonna try to stake your claim. Nuh-uh, Honeybee." He turned to Myrtle. "C'mon, Cowgirl," he purred, offering his hand.

Myrtle gladly took it and stood. "Don't be jealous, Laura," she slurred. "Green is not a pretty color on you."

Laura folded her arms across her chest and scoffed. She looked down at Steve for help. She motioned to him with her head.

He nodded and stood. "Guys," he said, moving closer to the wobbling couple, "Laura's right. This would be a mistake. Myrtle, I'm your cousin, and I'm not gonna let you do it. Now, c'mon." He moved closer to Myrtle and grabbed her free arm.

Eric quickly got between them. "Hey, Man, back off. The lady made a move on me. If she wants to come home with me, it's not your place to stop her," he slurred, becoming increasingly unintelligible as time passed.

Steve took a deep breath and sighed. "Eric, there is no way in _Hell_ , Michigan that you're taking her out of this apartment tonight," he said softly.

"Who's gonna stop me?" he threatened. He moved closer to Steve.

Laura looked on in horror. "Wait, Steve. Back off. I don't want you to get hurt," she said quickly.

Eric glowered. "You should listen to your wife, Nerd-Boy."

Steve nodded. "I probably should," he agreed. Then he suddenly and accurately clocked him in the nose.

"Oh, my!" Myrtle cried, as Eric staggered back.

Steve stepped closer to his woozy attacker and wrapped his arm around him. "Come on, Big Man. Let's get you home," he said as he began to walk him toward the door.

Myrtle followed after them until Laura grabbed her by the back of her dress and yanked her back. "You're going to bed," she said firmly. She led her back to the office and tackled her, helping her, and forcing her, to change into her nightgown. Then she pushed her into bed and turned off the light.

By the time she was done, Steve was back in the apartment, clearing the table. "Well, that was a disaster," Lauren announced, "and I'm an idiot."

Steve chuckled. "You are a brilliant woman. You couldn't have known this would happen."

"We're lucky they didn't get alcohol poisoning," she said as she approached him.

"I know," Steve agreed, "but that's not your fault. By the way, I cleared out all of Eric's liquor cabinet for the night, so we'll have to return that stuff tomorrow."

"Good thinking," she agreed. "Did you get him to bed?"

"I kind of just knocked him over onto it, but yeah, he's there."

"Myrtle's in bed, too," Laura nodded. She looked around at the messy room and shook her head. "Let's just deal with this tomorrow, Steve. I wanna go to bed."

"Oh, no sweat, my pet. You go on ahead. I'll finish up here and meet you there in a bit."

Laura shook her head and moved closer to him. She took the wineglasses from his hands and set them back on the table. "No. You've already put away all the leftovers. Everything else can wait. Come to bed."

"It's really no trouble, Sweetums," he insisted.

"I don't wanna go to bed alone," she explained, pressing her body against his.

"Oh," he said softly. "Well, then let's go to bed," he purred.

Myrtle waited until she heard that Laura and Steve were… distracted. Then she slipped out of bed. She left the light off as she changed into what she considered to be her sexiest nightgown. It was floor-length, white, and covered in feathers. When she was ready, she slipped out of the office as quietly as possible. She opened the apartment door and shut it gently. Then she knocked across the hall. When there was no answer, she tried the knob. It was open. She slipped into the studio softly and noticed her sexy cowboy snoring in his bed. She climbed into bed beside him and shook his shoulder gently. "Eric," she purred. "Eric, Honey, wake up."

His eyes slowly opened, and he jumped when they landed on her face. "Wah!" he screamed, reeling back.

"Oh, my," she frowned. "I didn't mean to frighten you, Stud. I just managed to sneak away from Mr. and Mrs. Prude and thought you might want some company," she whispered, leaning closer to him and puckering her lips.

He leaned back. "Myrtle, I don't know. Maybe Laura and Steve are right. We _are_ both pretty drunk."

Myrtle frowned. She reached up to the straps of her nightie and pulled them down, freeing her monstrous breasts. "Eric Beauregard Chambers, have you ever been with a woman with titties this big?"

He stared at them and licked his lips. He shook his head.

"Then do you think now is the best time to let your conscience take control again?" she asked.

He shook his head again and climbed on top of her as she giggled. His hands reached down to her breasts, and he leaned down. Completely unaware he was doing so, he then graced Myrtle with her very first kiss.

The next morning, Eric's head was throbbing. Steve hadn't closed the curtains when he tossed him into bed, so the second he opened his eyes, he shut them again. When he was reminded of Steve, he realized he owed everyone in 9G a huge apology. Eric hated the realization that he was turning into his father. The Chambers men did not handle their liquor as well as they all claimed to. He climbed out of bed, his eyes still shut, and felt his way over to the window. He closed the curtains and finally opened his eyes. Even the glow from around the curtains was too much to bear. He turned around and nearly screamed when he saw Myrtle in his bed. She was snoring loudly, and he was suddenly surprised that that hadn't bothered him earlier. He took a deep breath and hobbled his way over to the kitchen. He got a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin. He poured far too many in his hand and swallowed them with the water. He finished his glass and refilled it three more times, chugging each and trying to keep the newly rediscovered memories from last night out of his head. As his mind began to clear, though he still felt like death, he realized he wouldn't be able to handle this conundrum on his own. He walked to his dresser and pulled on a new pair of boxers, a pair of sweatpants, and a tee-shirt. He didn't even bother to find shoes, knowing they'd likely wake Myrtle. He tiptoed out of the apartment and shut the door as carefully as he could. He knocked lightly on his neighbors' door, and even that sounded like bombs were going off in his head.

Only moments later, Laura opened the door wide. She was already fully dressed, which made him wonder what time it was. He met her eyes and realized that whatever time it was was about to be his time of death. "Well, if it isn't Sir Drinks-a-lot," she sneered, crossing her arms over her chest.

He winced and covered his ears. "Ow, Girl, you could wake all the pigs on the farm with a voice like that."

Laura rolled her eyes. "Well, to get back at you, I would yell really loudly right now, but Steve and Myrtle are both still asleep, so I'll have to do that a little later in the day. I'm sure this hangover will be with you for a while," she shrugged.

"Laura, that's why I'm here," he said. "I owe all three of you a huge apology." He ignored the fact that Myrtle was in his bed at the moment, hoping to get in the door before he broke that news.

"You certainly do. Alcohol is no excuse to act like an ass, Eric. I've been drunk and done stupid things before, so I get it, but you're 26 years old. If you know you act like an ass when you drink, you should stop drinking."

"I know," he said. "I had a lot last night, and I'm turning into my father."

"You were an ass when you were two drinks in!" she argued. "This isn't a quantity thing, which makes me think you just might be an ass."

"Laura, I'm sorry about that. I… I should've kept my hands to myself."

"Yes, you should've. If it weren't for Myrtle, I would've kicked you out right then."

"I know," he agreed. "I know. I would've had it coming." He paused for a moment. "Though, personally, I think your more subtle punishment might have a more lasting effect," he said, showing her his bandaged hand.

"I'm not gonna apologize for that," she said firmly.

"I wouldn't expect you to," he agreed. He took a deep breath and sighed. "Laura, I'm sorry, and I owe Steve an apology, too."

"When he wakes up, I'll send him your way," she shrugged, getting ready to close the door.

"Laura, can I come in?" he asked, moving closer to the door and holding it open.

"I don't think that's a great idea right now," she answered.

"Laura, please, I did something stupid last night, and I need to talk to someone about it," he said. "I'm so… confused."

"Something stupider than getting grabby with me?" she asked.

"Yes," he said.

Laura rolled her eyes and opened the door. "Fine," she said, "but be quiet. Like I said, everyone's still asleep."

"Thank you," he whispered. He wanted to hug her, but realized that would be a bad idea considering his behavior the night before. He stepped inside and followed her to kitchen island, where she had been eating yogurt.

Before she sat down, she pulled an egg sandwich out of the oven. "Hangover food," she announced, handing him a plate.

"Didn't you make this for Myrtle?" he asked, not wanting her to have to make another.

"Yes, but I figured you'd be over sometime this morning. I made enough for both of you," she shrugged, sitting beside him.

He took a big bite. "Mmmm," he moaned. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome. Now, what did you do, you idiot?" she asked, not willing to waste time with him when she was still so pissed.

"I slept with Myrtle," he announced with a full mouth.

"What?" she asked.

"I slept with Myrtle," he said again after having swallowed.

"I heard you the first time," she said just a little too loudly. "What do you mean?" she demanded. "I tucked Myrtle in last night, and Steve took you home."

"I know, but after you two went to bed, she snuck over."

"So you jumped her?" Laura asked in a harsh, loud whisper.

"No," he replied. "I tried to stop her. I told her it might be a bad idea because we were so drunk–"

"Ya think?" Laura sneered.

He sighed and continued, "But then she took out her tits."

Laura gawked at his piggishness. "And you just lost all control? Oh, you poor, poor baby," she whined sarcastically.

"Laura, they're… incredible. Sh-sh-she looks so good naked," he said in disbelief.

Laura paused. "Really? Just her breasts or…?" Laura was sure her breasts looked great. They were fake, after all. They were scientifically designed to be perfect, but the rest of her?  
"The whole shebang," he said with a shrug. "You wouldn't know it to look at her, but… Wow."

Laura rolled her eyes. "You were drunk," she reminded him.

"I don't think that was it," he said.

"I'm pretty sure it was," she confirmed.

"Well, that's not fair. You're attracted to Steve, and that seems crazy to me. Don't just write off what I'm feeling!" he argued.

"I wasn't drunk when I had sex with Steve for the first time!" she cried. She covered her mouth as she realized how loud she was getting.

"Ok, I get that, but I'm not drunk now," he said, "and now, I still want…"

"Myrtle?" Laura asked in disbelief.

"Her boobs are so big, Laura," he exhaled.

"They're fake!" Laura growled. She silently berated herself right after. That wasn't any of her business. She wanted to protect Myrtle from getting hurt by Eric, but now it just seemed like she was trying to talk him out of it for her own sake. Maybe Steve was right. Maybe she was jealous.

"I know," he answered casually. "She told me."

"She did?" she asked.

"Yeah. When we were… fooling around, I was touching them and kissing them and complimenting her, and she got a little upset and nervous, so I stopped," he said. He smiled softly, and Laura recognized that look immediately. "I made her tell me what was wrong, and she was so embarrassed, but why would I care about that? Boobs are boobs," he shrugged, "and hers are amazing."

Laura cringed. That was a little cruder than she'd been expecting when she saw that look on his face, but it was still sweet, she supposed. She couldn't forget that look, though. It was just a flash, but it was the same way she smiled when she talked about Steve's Urkel hijinks. Maybe he was for real. She had to dig deeper. "You know that was her first time, right?" Laura asked softly.

"Yeah," he nodded.

"Were you… gentle?" Laura asked nervously.

He smiled mischievously. "Only when she wanted me to be," he quipped.

Laura giggled and pushed his shoulder. "Did you guys use protection?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yes," he answered. "She was pretty insistent about it, and believe me, I'm glad she was. Honestly, I don't think she was as drunk as I was, which is kind of embarrassing."

"I'm sure," she nodded. "It'll be really embarrassing when you're married and your own wife will be able to drink you under the table," Laura said pointedly.

"Did I mention how sorry I was about the way I treated Steve?" he asked.

"Not lately."

"I'm so, so, so sorry," he said.

"Do you really think you have feelings for her?" she asked.

"I don't know," he answered. "I know I'm attracted to her, but I wasn't really looking for feelings yesterday. It wasn't even supposed to be a real date!"

"Well, you can't just go back in there and tell her you might have feelings for her. Urkels don't work the way other people do. Urkels fall in love fast. She gave you her virginity. She's probably already picking out china patterns!"

"What am I supposed to do then?"

"Marry her?" Laura shrugged.

"Laura!" he complained.

"I'm sorry! I don't know! I've never been in this situation! I hid my feelings from Steve until I was sure I had them, and even after that, I hid them 'til he caught me!"

Steve walked out of the bedroom in his robe and pajamas. He walked up to Laura and kissed her cheek. "Good morning, Sweetheart," he purred.

Laura jumped. "Oh!" She turned to look at him. "Good morning, Baby," she smiled, stroking his cheek.

Steve looked down at her. "Why are you running Eric through our romantic history?" he asked. "Also, why on Earth did you let him into the apartment?"

Laura nodded. Those were both good questions. "Eric?" she said turning to him. "Do you wanna catch Steve up?"

"Not particularly," he admitted, but Laura glared. He took a deep breath and stood. "First of all, Man, I'm sorry for my behavior last night. I never should've threatened you, but… Honestly, I'm impressed. You clocked me good!" he laughed.

"You deserved it," Steve replied, "but I don't care about that. I want an apology for the way you harassed my wife."

"You told him that?" Eric asked Laura.

She nodded. "I tell him everything."

Eric took a deep breath and sighed. "I'm very sorry about that, Steve. I've already apologized to Laura. I feel awful."

"You should," Steve said, "and I don't forgive you for that. I don't care that you hit on my wife. I mean, I do, but I don't. I don't care that you two flirt with each other. Again, I mean, I care, but it's just not comparable to this. She made it clear she didn't want to be touched, and you touched her anyway. I don't care how drunk you were. There's no excuse for that."

"I know. You're right. I'm sorry."

"I don't care!" he said. "Laura, Sweetums, I'd like him to leave."

Laura nodded. "Steve, Honey, I understand that, but–"

"Laura, please don't fight me on this! I don't want him in our lives anymore!"

"But, Steve–"

"Laura, I–"

"He _really_ likes Myrtle!" Laura announced.

"What?" Steve asked in disbelief, collapsing onto the stool on the other side of Laura.

"Maybe," Eric interjected. "We're not sure."

"Still," Steve said, "maybe's a better answer than she's ever gotten before!" Steve couldn't help but smile. Maybe there was a little luck left in the world for the rest of the Urkels.

"They slept together last night," Laura told him, turning to face him.

"What?! But we took them to bed!"

"Myrtle snuck out and went over to his apartment," Laura explained.

Steve glared at him. "You were both way too drunk to be making a decision like that," he scolded.

"But they were _both_ drunk," Laura reminded Steve. "It's not like he took advantage of her."

"If anything, she took advantage of me," Eric argued.

"So do you love her?" Steve asked, growing very concerned about his cousin's lost virginity.

"No!" Eric answered.

"Then leave her alone!" Steve argued. "How could you do something like that to a woman you didn't love?" he demanded.

"Steve, Honey, relax. Not everyone thinks about this stuff like you do," she reminded him.

"But Myrtle does," Steve continued.

"No, she doesn't, Baby," Laura told him gently. "When we talked, it was pretty clear she was sick of being a virgin. I can't say for sure that she won't regret what she did last night, but I know that she doesn't feel exactly like you do about sex anymore."

Steve sat in silent thought as he let that idea wash over him.

Laura turned to Eric. "Whether you two will regret this decision or not, you took that girl's virginity last night, so at the very least, you can go over there and make her breakfast," Laura instructed. "Maybe if you talk to her for a minute, you'll be able to figure out if it was just the beer goggles last night."

"You're right," Eric said. "I at least need to be a gentleman." He stood and headed toward the door. "Are Pop Tarts an appropriate breakfast in this situation? Because that's all I've got," he said, pausing.

Laura rolled her eyes and went to the fridge. She handed him a carton of eggs, a package of bacon, and a loaf of bread. "Bring back whatever's left when you're done," she instructed.

"Yes, Ma'am," he agreed, heading out the door.

Laura looked at Steve once Eric was gone. He was lost in thought. She walked up behind him and kissed his neck. He woke from his trance and turned around on the stool to face her. "Sorry, Ladybug. I got a little lost there," he said.

She placed her hands on his shoulders and stepped closer to him, slipping between his legs. "That's ok. Are you all right?" she asked.

"Yeah, of course. What does this have to do with me, right?" he asked nervously.

"Nothing," she agreed, "but it's ok to be worried for Myrtle. I certainly am."

He nodded. "I am, too. Laura, I know I'm a little old-fashioned, but I'm so glad we waited until we were married," he said sincerely.

She smiled softly at him. "Me too," she nodded, stroking his cheek.

"Really?" he asked. "Because you've mentioned before that you only waited for me."

"Well, that's true. I was ready, Steve, and I'm sure, if you had been ready, we could have had a beautiful first time a few months early, but you weren't ready, so I'm glad we waited."

"Our wedding night was so special," he pressed.

"It would have been special no matter what, because it would have been our wedding night, but it really was special," she agreed.

"I just want Myrtle to have that," he frowned.

Laura took a deep breath and sighed. "We are very lucky people, Steve, to have found each other and made it work. Not everybody finds their soul mate when they're five years old," she teased.

"Hey, at least I figured it out right away! You took forever!" he said, pointing at her.

Laura chuckled. "Myrtle's going to have a very special night with the right man someday. Maybe that man is Eric. Maybe it isn't, but all we can do is be there for her."

He nodded. "You're right."

"I always am," she teased, leaning in to kiss him.

Eric slipped back into his apartment as quietly as possible. He turned toward the kitchen just as Myrtle was closing the fridge. "AHHHHHH!" he yelled, tossing all of his breakfast supplies in the air.

Myrtle screamed, too. "Ahhhhhhhhh!"

As he realized he was looking at last night's lover, and not Big Foot, he relaxed. "Hi," he said softly.

She raised her eyebrows at him. "Good morning to you, too," she said dryly.

He nodded and bent to pick everything up off the floor. He pulled the bacon and the bread out of the yolks and tossed them in the sink. He grabbed paper towel to wipe up the eggs after he threw out the carton. "Sorry," he said. "I've got one doozy of a hangover, and my brain's a little slower than usual."

"Don't you worry about that, Big Boy," she cooed. "You've got all the ingredients for Big Daddy Urkel's famous hang-over cure. Mama's gonna take good care of you."

He swallowed nervously as he got rid of the last of the yolks. He wet a washcloth to wipe the last of the stickiness off of the tile. "There's barely any food in that fridge. What could the ingredients possibly be?" he asked as he stood.

She handed him a full glass of a gross, chunky, brown concoction. "That's a family secret," she said. "Now, drink up."

He plugged his nose and downed it quickly.

"There is one side-effect I should mention," she said coyly. "It tends to make people hornier than a brass section in New Orleans," she giggled.

His eyes widened as he set the empty glass down. That would have been good to know before he had finished it.

"But like I said, Mama's gonna take good care of you," she whispered, pressing her body against his.

He closed his eyes and stepped away. "Listen, Myrtle, maybe we should just talk for–" He paused suddenly and shuddered powerfully. His knees knocked together, and he grabbed the counter for support. He felt all the blood in his body rush to his member, and it immediately stood to attention. "Get in the bed," he growled.

"Or what, Sheriff?" she challenged. He grabbed her suddenly and lifted her into his arms. "Oh!" she cried. "Thank goodness you're a professional weightlifter," she giggled. "You're the first cowboy I've found who can carry all this woman."

He ignored her and tossed her aggressively onto the bed.

Laura and Steve made breakfast together, but before they'd even finished, they heard a strange but familiar noise.

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Myrtle's voice called from across the hall. "Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" she cried rhythmically. It was muffled, but it was understandable and recognizable.

Laura looked at Steve, who looked like he'd seen a ghost. "Is that what I think it is?" she asked.

"We don't know that," he answered. "He could be… scratching some dry skin on her back… or they could be playing Chutes and Ladders, and she's only getting ladders." He stared nervously at the door.

"Oh, HARDER! HARDER! HARDER!" Myrtle called.

Laura took a deep breath and frowned at him sympathetically. "Why don't I go ask them to keep it down?" she suggested.

"No, don't," he said. "If she's happy…"

"Don't stop! Don't stop, Eric! Oh, Eric!"

"Why don't you let me finish cooking, and I'll meet you out on the balcony? We can have a nice romantic meal out there," she suggested.

He nodded. "That sounds nice," he agreed. "Thank you, Sweetums." He kissed her forehead and moved quickly out the door.

"ERIIIIIIIIIIIIC!" Myrtle screamed as she came. Laura raised her eyebrows at the door as she continued cooking. He couldn't have been that good.

When Eric rolled off of Myrtle, he was panting heavily. She turned to him and cuddled against him. "Tell me, Mr. Chambers," she purred. "How many gals have you had in a marital way?"

Eric swallowed. "I don't know, Myrtle," he answered honestly.

"I see, and how many of them made you feel this good?" she continued.

"None," he admitted. "But, Myrtle, I think we should get dressed and talk about all this for a minute."

"I don't wanna get dressed," she pouted, "and I certainly don't wanna talk." She pushed herself up slightly to nibble on his earlobe. "I'm leavin' tomorrow, Darlin'. Just lemme have a few more hours with you," she purred.

"Myrtle, this was your first time. I think we at least need to talk about what all this means," he insisted, slipping his hand between her surprisingly supple lips and his sensitive ear.

"What it means?" she repeated.

"For us in the future," he explained. "If you might be movin' up here, maybe we'll wanna date or something?" he offered uncertainly.

Myrtle sat up, covering her breasts with a sheet. "Well, now don't put the cart before the horse, Cowboy," she ordered. "I haven't made a decision about where I'm goin' to school yet, and I certainly haven't made any decisions about you."

Eric looked up at her, his brow furrowed. He sat up. "You haven't?"

"No, and frankly, my dear, if you're that unenthusiastic about the idea, you may be makin' my decision for me," she said.

"Myrtle," he began.

"No," she said standing. "Myrtle Mae Urkel is a woman of 1999 now." She picked her nightie up and slipped it on again. "I have learned that my body is far too voluptuous to rot away waiting for some perfect man. There are many, many men out there who might get a little tipsy and be willing to drive this perfect machine under the influence." She ran her hands over her curves for effect. "I have every intention of sampling every kinda man this world has to offer until I find a man who loves me the way I deserve to be loved!" she declared. "Goodbye, Eric," she called as she slipped out of his apartment and slammed the door. She didn't do it because she was upset or running from him but because she was overwhelmed with a sense of confidence and power.

She walked back into Laura and Steve's apartment and bumped right into Laura. "Myrtle!" Laura exclaimed on her way to the kitchen.

"Good morning, Laura," she said curtly.

"I didn't expect to see you back here so soon," she said with a sly smile.

"Well, I didn't expect to be back her so soon, but you know what, Dumplin'? Maybe that's ok. There are other men!"

Laura widened her eyes. "Myrtle, what happened? I thought you two really hit it off!"

"Well, we did, Laura! But that doesn't mean I'm ready to settle down yet. He started talkin' about me comin' up here for school and datin' me, and I just am not ready to build my life around some hunk!" she complained.

Laura couldn't help but smile. "And you shouldn't, Myrtle! You're your own woman, and you need to make the best decisions you can for yourself your career. When you figure out where you need to be, you'll find a hunk!" she encouraged.

"Damn straight, Sister!" Myrtle yelled as she stormed confidently back to the bathroom to take a shower.

Steve walked in a moment later, and Laura turned to face him. "Hey. Myrtle's back?" he asked.

"Yes, my love. It's safe," she laughed.

"Did she say anything?" he asked, fiddling with his hands nervously.

"Yeah, actually," Laura answered leading him back to the kitchen. She set their plates in the dishwasher and continued. "It doesn't look like you'll have to worry much about hearing them again. I don't know what he said to her, but she came back a new woman. Empowered, independent, talking about building her life for herself, rather than a man. It was great!" Laura said excitedly.

"Hmm... " Steve paused. "So she's not going to keep seeing Eric?"

"I guess not."

"Was it his decision or-""

"She said it was hers."

Steve nodded. "And you encouraged her?"

"Of course, I did. Myrtle has always been too hung up on men. She needs to figure who she is and what she wants before she ties herself to some guy."

Steve nodded again. "Uh... Laura, my feisty feminist, you know I have no problem with your independence," he began.

"I know. 'Men of quality do not fear equality,'" she quoted with a smile.

"And I don't, but do you really think it's good idea to encourage Myrtle to give up on the one guy she's ever liked that was really... interested?" Laura froze suddenly. "I want nothing but the best for Myrtle, and I want her to feel good about herself, but how long is this surge of confidence gonna last when faced with constant rejection again?" he asked.

"Oh, God, Steve, what did I do?" she demanded. "I got so caught up in the You-go-girl vibe of the whole thing that I didn't even think-"

They were interrupted by a hard pounding on the door. Laura and Steve both walked over to it. They had an idea who that might be. Steve opened it cautiously, and Eric stormed in without hesitation.

"Ok!" he barked as Laura and Steve both reared back at the intrusion. "Laura, your advice was some bullshit!" he declared.

Steve gasped. "Watch your language, Man!" he ordered. "There is a lady present."

Eric rolled his eyes and stepped closer to Laura, trying to cut Steve out of the conversation. "Seriously. I went over there and... talked to her, and she dumped me! You said Urkels fall in love fast. She didn't even consider a second date!"

"I'm as shocked as you are, and I'm sorry this happened to you," Laura began, "but you must've said something to her. I highly doubt she had a feminist awakening out of nowhere."

"I didn't say anything bad. I just said that since she may be coming up here for school... that maybe... she and I... might... kinda... consider... like... dating or something?"

Steve laughed and snorted. "Oh, yeah. You're a real Shakespeare."

"I'm sure that's not how he said it to her," Laura corrected, elbowing Steve playfully. She looked back at Eric who looked away guiltily. Her eyes widened. "Oh, my God! Is it?"

"Pretty much," he admitted. "What's the big deal? Is it that bad?"

"Yes," Laura scolded in a harsh whisper. "It's that bad. If you have feelings for someone you shouldn't talk about dating them as uncomfortably as you'd admit to stealing your grandma's underwear!"

"So it wasn't my smoothest moment," he complained, "but we had a lot of fun together. What's the big deal if I didn't stick the landing?"

"Because," Steve interrupted, "nobody wants to be anybody's last choice."

"She's not my last choice. She's my first choice!"

"But talking about her the way you did made it sound like an afterthought," Steve continued. "Like a 'Might as well'/'I've got nothing better to do this weekend'/'What do I have to lose?' sorta thing. Nobody wants to find the love of their life that way." Steve looked at Laura for a moment. "Laura never just shrugged and went limp, falling perfectly sculpted booty backwards into my waiting arms. Laura knew she could have anyone she wanted. I knew she could have anyone she wanted. She chose me, and everyday she chooses me. I'm not the easiest person in the world to live with, but she honestly wants to live with me. She wants to be my wife. Myrtle knows you could find a more conventionally attractive woman, so what is it about her that makes you wanna try something different? That's what she needs to hear," Steve explained.

"Yeah," Eric nodded. "Yeah, ok. Where is she?"

"She's in the shower," Laura replied. "Give her some time to cool off. Come back in a couple hours and try to explain yourself differently."

Eric nodded. "Ok," he agreed. "Fine. I'm gonna go try to get my thoughts together." He headed toward the door. "I'll see you guys in a while," he called as he walked out.

Laura turned to Steve as soon as they were alone again. "Perfectly sculpted booty backwards?" she asked with a sly smile.

He turned to her, smiling back. "Hey, I just calls 'em like I sees 'em," he explained, pulling her into his arms and squeezing her butt.

Laura got on her tiptoes to kiss him gently. "If Myrtle weren't in our shower right now, I'd take you to bed and let you play with it," she teased.

"Really? Why's that?" he asked, surprised by her spontaneity.

"Hearing you give advice like a wise, old, married man like that gets me all hot and bothered," she purred.

"Oh, it does?" he challenged.

"Mm-hm…"

"Well, what about this?" he proposed. "It's much cheaper to change the oil on a lawnmower at home than in a shop."

Laura giggled. "Oh, yeah…" she said breathily. "That's so hot."

"You can use a vinegar solution to clean your grill."

"God, Baby! Don't stop!" she begged.

"You should always raise the temperature on the thermostat in the summer before leaving the house to avoid wasting money on air conditioning you won't even be home to enjoy," he said loudly and excitedly.

"Oh, Daddy! I think I'm gonna come!" she teased, slipping into a fit of giggles.

Steve laughed, too, followed by a series of snorts. Then he froze. He swallowed hard and looked at her seriously. "I know that started as a joke, but I'm actually pretty hot right now," he admitted.

"Me too!" she agreed, happily jumping into his arms and kissing him passionately.

When Myrtle had gotten out of the shower and had dressed, she came out into the living room to find Laura and Steve making out on the couch. Laura's top and bra were scattered across the room, and only Steve's hands covered her breasts. "Lawd, you two are worse than farm animals," Myrtle complained loudly as she waltzed into the room.

Laura and Steve pulled apart. Laura reached an arm over her breasts to cover them as Steve moved quickly to the kitchen to pick up her bra and sweater to toss them over to her. Laura stood and turned away from them to redress. "So Eric stopped by…" Laura began as she turned back around to Myrtle, lowering her shirt back down over her navel and fixing her hair.

"Did he?" Myrtle asked uninterestedly as she poured herself a glass of sweet tea. When they looked at her in confusion, she pointed to it and replied, "I made it last night, between rounds."

Steve's eyes widened, and he tugged at his collar. Laura forced a smile and nodded. "Ok, well, Eric seemed really sorry about the way he phrased things this morning. Maybe you should hear him out."

"And maybe you should mind your own bee's wax," Myrtle suggested.

"Myrtle," Steve scolded.

"Laura," Myrtle began, "you are such a hypocrite! You are the one who looks down on southern tradition and acts like an uppity Yankee about debutante balls and shotgun weddings and stay-at-home moms, and I don't know, probably football and Jesus, too, but you got married at 21! And now that I'm finally willing to find myself before I find a man, you wanna pay my dowry? Child, please," Myrtle scolded, flipping her hair.

Laura didn't have much of a response to that. She had gotten married younger than she'd ever intended, and she had changed some of her plans to accommodate her relationship. Laura, however, felt like she had a better grasp on who she was and what she wanted than Myrtle did. She wanted Myrtle to have the chance to find herself before she gave up any part of herself for a guy. Still, Laura wasn't sure Myrtle would have another chance at a guy her type.

"Myrtle," Steve began, noticing Laura was tongue tied, "we're not saying you gotta marry the guy, but maybe give him another chance. Heck, if I had dumped Laura the first time she hurt my feelings after finally agreeing to date me, we wouldn't've made it anywhere near where we are now. If you actually have feelings for this guy, give him a chance."

"I appreciate you two trying to help, but you didn't hear what he said to me."

"He told us," Steve replied, "and I get that that hurts. If Laura had said something like that to me, it would've broken my heart, but if she apologized, I would've forgiven her immediately!"

Myrtle looked at Laura challengingly. "That's the advice you're endorsing here, Laura? A man is so… _indifferent_ to me that it's downright cruel, and I should just roll over and take it like Steve always did?"

Laura looked away in shame. She certainly would never do that, so how could she suggest Myrtle do something so demeaning? She also hated herself a little for the fact that she hurt Steve as many times as she did on their journey to this wonderful part of their relationship. She'd never support someone else making that same mistake. "Of course not, Myrtle," she said eventually. "If you never wanna see him again, I would completely understand. You should be able to build your life for yourself, and you should be able to expect men to treat you decently. All I want is for you to be happy. Eric is a good guy. He sticks his foot in his mouth sometimes, but so does my brother. I know, from experience, how hard it can be to fall for an Urkel when you weren't expecting it, so I also get where he's coming from. If you give him the chance to explain himself, maybe you'll be able to see what I see in him. Maybe not. I just don't want you to close any doors until you're really sure they oughta be closed. I know that the way I fell for Steve wasn't fair to him, but I'm grateful every single day that he was able to forgive me for every misstep, and I try to make it up to him in every way that I can. I'm going to be indebted to him for the rest of my life, and it's so worth it to me, I try to make it worth it to him. I don't know. I just feel like some people are worth a second or third or three thousandth chance." She stepped closer to Steve, and he wrapped his arms around her waist.

Myrtle finished her sweet tea and set her glass down. "Fine. I'll give him one chance to make this right, but he better make it good. I'm gonna go pack," she huffed before storming into the office and slamming the door.

A couple hours later, there was a knock at the door. Steve stood to answer it.

"Hey," Eddie said casually as he walked in uninvited.

"Oh, hey, Eddo," Steve said in surprise, turning to Laura. He furrowed his brow at her, silently asking if she knew he was coming over.

She shrugged at Steve as she stood to greet her brother. "Hey, Eddie. What's up?"

"I came to borrow that blender I gave you for your wedding. Max wants margaritas tonight, and…". He turned to Steve and rubbed his hands together. "I like it when she's had a few margaritas!" he exclaimed, wiggling his eyebrows.

Steve laughed and snorted. "Oh, Eddo!" He slapped him hard on the back and headed to the kitchen to grab the blender.

Laura rolled her eyes at his piggishness. "So you bought us a blender that wasn't even on our registry just so you could borrow it?" she clarified.

"Pretty much," he shrugged, helping himself to an apple sitting in a bowl of fruit on their counter. It crunched loudly as he took a bite.

Myrtle walked out of the office suddenly. She stopped in her tracks when she saw Eddie. "Oh, I'd just assumed it was Eric," she said softly.

Laura and Steve looked away uncomfortably.

"Hey, Myrtle," Eddie said gently, trying really hard to neither come off as cruel nor flirty.

"Hello, Edward," she said, approaching him slowly. "What brings you to this neck of the woods?"

Eddie accepted the blender as Steve handed it to him. "Borrowing a blender," he replied.

Myrtle nodded. "I see."

They were interrupted by another knock at the door. Myrtle looked challengingly, almost threateningly, at Steve and Laura before she plastered a huge, bright smile on her face. "Oh, now. That must be my Eric!" she chirped. She rushed quickly to the door and flung it wide open. It was indeed Eric. "Howdy, Stud!" she purred, grabbing him by the neck of his t-shirt and pulling him into her body. She planted her lips firmly to his and Frenched him until his arms wrapped around her back and held her in return. Finally, she pulled back gently.

"Hi," he said softly, completely shocked by this interaction and incredibly turned on.

Myrtle hooked her arm in Eric's and pulled him over to Eddie. "There's someone I'd like you to meet," she explained. She stopped in front of Eddie. "Edward, this is my new boy toy, Eric."

"Eric, you remember my brother, Eddie," Laura said through gritted teeth, glaring at Myrtle.

Eddie raised his eyebrows. "Boy toy?" he challenged, looking this good-looking man up and down.

Myrtle looked to Eric expectantly, so Eric, not wanting to mess up again, readily agreed. "Uh, yeah."

"Don't you live across the hall?" Eddie asked.

"Yeah," Eric acknowledged. "We just met yesterday."

"But we really hit it off," Myrtle explained quickly, stepping on his foot as punishment.

"Ah!" he winced quietly. "Yeah. Laura set us up, and we just can't get enough of each other."

Eddie stared at him suspiciously for a long moment, and then he shrugged. "Ok. Cool. Congrats." He heaved the blender higher up into his arms and turned to Laura and Steve. "Thanks for the blender, Guys. We should double soon," he said as he backed away toward the door. "See ya!" he called as he slammed it behind him.

Laura, Steve, and Eric adjusted their gazes toward Myrtle as soon as he was gone. Laura folded her arms across her chest and glared, demanding an explanation, but Myrtle ignored her pointedly. She turned to Eric and ran her hands up his chest. "Well, Big Fella, why don't you and I adjourn to my bedroom and talk all this silliness out?" she purred.

Eric nodded immediately. "Ok," he agreed. She grabbed his hand and led him back into the office, leaving Laura and Steve in a shocked silence.

Eventually, Laura cracked. "Ok. What was that?" she demanded.

"I think we both know what that was, Sweetums," Steve shrugged.

"Ok. Yeah. She was trying to make him jealous, but why? She went from madly in love with Eddie to horribly depressed to head over heels in lust with Eric to independent woman and then back to Eddie? I honestly have whiplash!" Laura complained.

"The heart can be very fickle, Sweetums," Steve mused. "You oughta know that," he teased.

Laura glared at him. "Cute," she sneered.

Steve smirked and moved closer to her. He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her lithe waist. "You need to relax. She's a big girl. She'll figure it out. There's only so much we can do," he said comfortingly.

Laura relaxed against him. "I know, but-""

"Let it go, Sweetheart. I'm just glad they're talking."

"Yeah, I guess," she shrugged gently.

"Oh, right there!" Myrtle called. "Right there! RIGHT THERE! RIGHT THERE! RIGHT THEEEEEERE! OH!"

"Oh, for God's sake!" Laura complained, pulling out of Steve's arms.

Steve cringed, and he felt his stomach tie in a knot.

Laura looked back at him and saw the expression of discomfort on his face. As much as she wanted to be nosy and put a stop to the ridiculousness unfolding in her home, she had a more pressing priority. She grabbed Steve's hand and led him toward the door. He went willingly, without saying a word.

He didn't speak until they made it all the way into the elevator. Only then did he notice they'd left the apartment. "Where are we going?"

"To the movies," she answered without hesitance.

Steve smiled at her weakly. "Thank you, Laura Lee."

When Myrtle was almost there, she closed her eyes tightly. "Ohhhhh," she moaned as Eddie - Oops! - Eric held her up against the wall. "Oh, don't stop. Don't stop. Don't stop!" she begged. He was so big, so strong. His muscles were so well defined, and it felt so incredible to finally be cradled in his arms after all… these… years… "Oh! Edward!" she moaned as she came.

"Unhhh…" Eric groaned as he finished into the condom. That was incredible, as it always was with Myrtle. He buried his face in her neck. "Oh, Myrtle…" _Wait._ "Who's Edward?" he asked, looking up suddenly.

Her eyes opened slowly as her brain finally caught up to what had happened. "Huh? I didn't say, 'Edward'. I said your name, Silly!" she cooed nervously, booping him on the nose.

"Which is?"

There was a long pause. "Eric," she replied eventually.

He set her down carefully and pulled away. He took off the condom and tossed it into the trash as he sat down on the futon. "You said Edward," he countered. "Edward, as in Eddie? Laura's brother?"

Myrtle deflated as she knew she'd been thoroughly caught. "Yes," she admitted softly.

"Were you fantasizing about him?" he asked in disbelief. It bothered him how much that prospect bothered him.

"Not intentionally, Sugar," she promised, sitting next to him.

He sat in silence for a long moment. "Myrtle, I think I'm falling in love with you," he said quickly.

Myrtle's eyes widened. She hadn't been expecting that. "Oh?" she squeaked.

He turned to her and grabbed her hands. "I know I was a jerk earlier, but it was just because I've never felt like this about anyone before. I didn't know what to say, and I didn't know what I was feeling. I only knew that I didn't want this to be over. Even though I said it all wrong, I still feel that way. I still don't want this to end. I want you to come to Chicago for school."

Myrtle swallowed hard. That was quite a tempting plea, but she just couldn't take that plunge. "I'm sorry, Eric, but I've decided to pursue my degree somewhere in the south. It's just a better place to learn about Agricultural Engineering and Animal Husbandry. As sweet as you are, men can't be my only priority." Myrtle even surprised herself with that line.

"Then I wanna come too!" he insisted desperately. "I never thought I'd move back to the south, but for you… There are gyms everywhere. I can find work."

"I think you're overestimatin' the fitness level in Biloxi, but I appreciate your passion," she murmured.

"Myrtle, please. I wanna explore these new feelings because I'm scared I may never feel this way again," he begged.

Myrtle looked away from him. "You're not mad about my callin' out to Edward?" she asked gently.

"Well, I don't like it, but I can forgive it. We just started seeing each other. We both have pasts," he said.

Myrtle finally looked up at him. "Eric, I'm sorry, but I can't do this. I thought I wanted this, but I think I'm still in love with Edward."

Eric swallowed hard. "Um. Ok, well, is there a chance you guys are gonna get back together?"

"Back together?" she scoffed. "That would require us ever being together! I'm just still head over heels for the guy who has never given me the time of day!"

Eric was confused. "He's not an ex?"

"No. You know you were my first. You were my first everything and anything, and you were wonderful. If I weren't so stuck in the past, I'd happily jump off this cliff with you into a big, ol' field of cacti, but I simply can't do it," she whined. "As much as I want to, I just can't."

Eric tried to be understanding of that, but he couldn't be. "No," he barked eventually. "You can't turn me down for some guy who doesn't want you. _I_ want you, Myrtle. I want you more than I can stand, and I'll do anything to prove it. I'm not saying we're soul mates or that I wanna get hitched, but we can't give up on this. We have to try. You can't just wait around for this guy. You are way too good to waste your life waiting. You deserve so much better than that. I can give you so much better than that."

Myrtle reached a hand out to his cheek and stroked it gently. "You are so sweet," she cooed, "but I'm just not ready to jump into anything new. I'm not gonna wait around for Edward. He's with Maxine now. I know that. I can accept that, or I can try to, but I have to heal my broken heart before I can find someone else to fill it."

"Myrtle," he whined, his eyes filling with tears.

"When I'm ready, I'll call you first. Don't wait for me or anything, but maybe we'll make this work someday."

"Myrtle, you're breaking my heart _now_. Don't do this to me. Let's just try," he urged.

"I'm not ready. Thank you for being there for me and for feeling so strongly about me. I can't tell you how much it means to me. You pulled me out of a dark, dark place, Eric Beauregard Chambers, and I'll always be grateful to you for that." She leaned in slowly and kissed him passionately. He held onto her tightly, never wanting to let go, but then she pulled away. "I have to finish packing. I'll call you."

She stared at him silently until he eventually got the hint, got dressed, and left the room. He had intended to head back to his apartment, but the prospect didn't give him enough energy to actually accomplish that task. He made it only to Laura and Steve's couch. He collapsed on it and lay down on his side in the fetal position.

He was still there when Laura and Steve got home from their movie. They walked in, joking about the terrible acting they'd just witnessed, only to stop in their tracks as they saw their devastated guest in the same spot where Myrtle had fallen apart only a few days ago.

Laura looked at Steve with concern. She took a step forward, but he grabbed her shoulder.

"I got this one," he promised. "Go to bed."

Laura looked at him for a long moment, judging his sincerity. Eventually, she leaned in and kissed his cheek. "I love you."

"I love you, too. Goodnight, Bed Bug."

"Goodnight," she replied as she walked away.

Steve waited for the door to close, and then he took a big breath. He walked over to the couch and sat beside Eric's head. "Ok, Big Man. What happened?"

Eric had no interest in being comforted by Steve Urkel, but he couldn't stop himself from letting it all out of his overflowing heart the second he was prompted. "She said she's still in love with Eddie," he whispered, trying not to cry.

Steve patted his side. "Yeah. I think she made that pretty obvious."

Eric sat up. "He's not good enough for her!" he growled.

"Hey, now," Steve interrupted. "Eddie's like a brother to me. Don't go there. He's a good guy. He's just not interested. Though, he certainly could've handled that better over the years."

"But I _am_ interested! I've never felt this way about anyone!"

"I know, but you don't want her to be with you unless she's ready to be with you. I had a girlfriend before Laura, you know."

"You did?"

"Oh, yeah. She was smart, gorgeous, bubbly. In another world, one where I'd never met Laura Winslow, I would've married her and lived a very happy life. Laura introduced me to her to get me off her back, and at first, I couldn't stomach the idea. The thought of being with someone other than my soul mate was impossible. Eventually, as Myra pursued me, and Laura helped her, I decided to let her distract me for a while. When things were starting to seem impossible with Laura, I let things get more and more serious with her. Only, then one day, things started to change with Laura. I dropped Myra like a hot potato. I dangled a carrot at the end of her nose for years and kicked her to the curb at the last second. If I could go back and redo it, I wouldn't be so selfish. I'd deal with my heartbreak on my own, and if I'd ever gotten over Laura, then I would've pursued other options. It's the mature and kindest thing to do."

"But maybe if we saw each other for a while, she'd get over-"

"Nope. From firsthand experience, that is not how it works. Look, did she tell you she'd call if she ever got over him?"

"Yeah, but-"

"Then let it be. That's the best deal you're ever gonna get."

"What if she never gets over him?"

"Then maybe there's a reason for that. Maybe he'll come around eventually. Personally, I think she'll be ready to see other people someday. Myrtle was raised by a better dad than either of my parents have ever been. She actually has a little self-worth. I think she's really ready to move on now. It just takes time to heal," Steve explained.

He paused for a long moment. "What time are you guys leaving for the airport tomorrow?" Eric asked. "I wanna be here to say goodbye."

"7:00 AM," Steve answered.

Eric stood. "Ok." He walked over to the door and stopped in front of it. He didn't turn back to look at Steve. "Thanks, Steve," he said softly before he opened the door and walked out.

The next morning, when Myrtle was all packed, she stood in front of the door. "Ok, y'all. Let's go! I don't wanna miss my flight!"

Laura and Steve shared a meaningful look. They had to stall her. "Myrtle," Laura said, rising from the couch and approaching the door, "are you sure you got everything out of the bathroom? We'd hate for you to miss a step in your beauty regimen!"

"I triple checked," Myrtle said. "Let's go!"

Laura looked at Steve. His turn. "Ok," he said, walking into the kitchen, "just lemme pack some snacks for the road, and we'll go."

"I don't need any snacks for my trip, Cousin Steve. You know I'm watchin' my figure."

"Oh, sure," Steve agreed. "They're not for you. They're for us. We don't wanna get peckish on the way there and have to stop!"

"You're taking me to the airport. It's not a road trip. I think y'all will make it," Myrtle spat.

"It'll just take a minute," Steve replied calmly. "Laura," he asked, leaning into a cupboard, "where is our fondue pot?"

"Fondue?!" Myrtle exclaimed. "How on Earth are you gonna eat fondue on the road?"

Finally, there was a soft knock on the door. Since Myrtle was standing right there, she flung it wide open in annoyance. "What?" she barked. Then she saw who it was. She stepped aside as he entered. "Oh, Eric. I wasn't expecting you."

Steve closed the cupboard and smiled at Laura, ending his snack hunt.

"I just wanted to say goodbye," Eric said softly, stepping closer to her.

She smiled. "I'm glad."

Eric reached into his back pocket. "I got you a little something." He handed her a small ring box. "To remember me."

Steve and Laura's eyes widened nervously. Why was he giving her a ring?

Myrtle opened the box slowly. She was both disappointed and relieved to see it was not an engagement ring.

"It's my championship ring," he explained.

"From one of your weightlifting competitions?" she smiled sweetly.

"No. From a rodeo I was in at sixteen."

"Oh!" Myrtle giggled. "I love it. Thank you."

Eric took it out of the box and slipped it on her right ring finger.

"Perfect fit," she giggled. "I guess we wear the same ring size!"

Laura and Steve exchanged a horrified glance.

Eric smiled weakly and pulled her against him. "I want you to call me next time you're in town. Promise me you'll do that," he urged.

"I will, and we can write in between," she promised.

"Really?" he asked excitedly.

"Absolutely," she assured him. "Now, gimme one quick kiss goodbye before I drag you across the hall and miss my flight."

He smiled flirtatiously. He leaned close to her slowly, turning his head so their noses wouldn't hit. He pressed his lips against hers and moaned softly when he felt her tongue slip into his mouth. "Mmm…"

She pulled away all too soon. "Goodbye, Eric," she whispered, walking out the door.

"Goodbye," he said as he watched her leave.

"Um. Actually," Steve jumped in, interrupting their dramatic goodbye. "Could you help me carry some of these bags to the car? It's a three person job," he explained as he handed two of the lighter ones to Laura and sent her on her way.

"Sure," Eric chuckled, grabbing three of the six remaining suitcases. He struggled under the weight. "Damn! You weren't kidding!"

When they arrived at the entrance to the first class lounge, Myrtle turned to say goodbye. She hugged Steve tightly first, squeezing him just past comfortable. "Goodbye, Cousin Steve!" she exclaimed.

"Bye, Myrtle. We're gonna miss you!"

She pulled back and looked him in the eye with a loving smile on her face. She squeezed his shoulders. "Oh, you won't have time to miss me. You are too madly in love."

"We'll still miss you," he insisted.

"I'm so happy for you," she said softly. "I'm more jealous than a June bug doin' the jitterbug, but I'm so, so happy for you."

"Thank you, Myrtle," Steve said, hugging her one more time.

After a long moment, she clicked her tongue against her teeth and tore herself away before her tears ruined her makeup. She turned to Laura. "Laura, Sweetheart, I know I've been hard on you the past couple days. I'm so sorry."

Laura cocked her head sympathetically. "Thank you, Myrtle, but that's not necessary. You were going through something really tough."

"And I still am," she exclaimed, "but that's no excuse. You've always tried to be a good friend to me, and I just want you to know how much I appreciate your friendship."

Laura reached out and took her hands. She squeezed them tightly. "You're a great friend too, Myrtle. You are welcome any time in our home," she promised.

Myrtle smiled. "And somehow you make even better family than a friend. You're the closest thing I've ever had to a sister," she mused. She finally hugged her tightly, squeezing almost all of the air out of her. Laura staggered back into Steve when Myrtle finally let go. "I'll see y'all for the reunion, right?"

"Absolutely!" Steve chirped.

Myrtle nodded. "Bye, y'all!" Myrtle called before turning and heading into the lounge.

Steve and Laura stared at the closed door for a long moment after she'd gone through. Steve wrapped his arm around Laura's waist and pulled her close.

"You think she'll be ok?" she asked.

"Oh, I know she will be. God has a special place in his heart for the Urkel clan," he promised, leaning down to kiss the top of her head and silently thank Him again for the miracle in his arms.


End file.
